Thursday, 15th April 2021

Britain begins 500-year isolation from the rest of the world

THE UK has begun a period of isolation from the rest of the world that is expected to last until approximately the year 2621. 

Following the closing of travel corridors, the plague continuing to run rampant and mounting xenophobia, Britain will cut all communication with the outside world by the end of this week.

The government, keen to stop citizens dreaming of a better life, will assert that all other countries are naught but fables and ban any discussion of them, and the use of boats.

Historian Eleanor Shaw said: “Within weeks, urged on by our tabloid press, 90 per cent of Britons will deny they’ve ever been abroad and call anyone still saying they have an out-of-touch elitist.

“We will live behind our coastal walls for the next five centuries, becoming physically and intellectually stunted in our isolation just like we’ve always dreamed of.

“Eventually the Outsiders will make contact, just as we’re deciding on our new prime minister by means of ducking stool and lash, to inform us they’re departing the ruined earth and it’s all ours now.

“Finally the great Bregg Zit of fable will have come true and Britain will rule the whole world. Then we’ll be wiped out overnight by a new strain of Covid.”