Couple gets puppy so they will never have sex again

A COUPLE have bought a puppy so they finally have a legitimate excuse for giving up sex completely.

Nikki and Ben Hollis got their eight-week-old spaniel Luchador in December, and say not only do they no longer make love but they do not even have to feel guilty.

Nikki said: “I’d recommend a puppy to anyone who wants joy, companionship and a total cessation of physical intimacy with their life partner.

“You don’t say as much, of course. First, you attempt sex as normal, but the puppy leaps up on the bed, thinking it’s a kind of fun game that he wants to take part in.

“So, you shut him outside the bedroom door, at which point he wails unnervingly and scrabbles his paws frantically under the door, which kills the mood.

“Finally you discuss slightly desperate alternatives like shutting the puppy in the garden or only doing it when he’s two rooms away, but you know neither of you mean it and there’s a palpable sense of relief.

“Then, you give up and put the kettle on.”

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How to stay warm when you can’t afford to put the heating on: Rishi Sunak explains

AS resident of a five-bedroom townhouse in London and a Georgian mansion in Yorkshire, heating bills are the bane of my life. Here are tips on staying warm when the Aga’s broken: 

Eat more

A surefire way of staving off the cold is to boost your calorie intake. Ask your cook to rustle up a hearty pie, or rifle through the pantry for loose pumpkin seeds. Struggling to make ends meet? Why not indulge a spare Frube from your child’s generous free school meals package? My favourite flavour is peach.

Do star jumps

I don’t need Joe Wicks to tell me that three hundred star jumps a day will have you sweatier than Matt Hancock at karaoke. Try to incorporate them into your daily routine, for example while asking your housekeeper to take the bins out, brushing your horse, or taking calls from lobbyists.

Go for a drive

A car’s much smaller and easier to heat than a house, and when it’s a government Mercedes with a Special Branch driver it’s a lovely quiet place to relax. A few spins around the M25 and you’ll be sleeping like a baby in the leather rear seats.

Use your tortoise’s heat lamp

No British home is complete without a reptile terrarium. Clamber in with your shelled companions and bask in the warmth of their red light. If you’re cold-blooded like Michael Gove, you won’t need asking twice. He’s never out.

Fly to Brazil

Britain a little cold for you? Why not jet out to Rio with your entire family? Then, after you’ve sunned yourself on Copacabana beach, jump on a flight back and do the weekly shop for your elderly relatives.