Business As Usual For Russian Poisoners

RUSSIA'S new president has told the nation's army of poisoners it is 'business as usual'.

Pledging new investment in the industry, Vladimir Putin said it was vital to maintain Russia's position as the democratic world's leading killer of people it doesn't like.

There had been fears the incoming president would abandon the previous administration's commitment to new poisoning technologies.

But Mr Putin, said: "We make many new poison. We put poison up nose so when enemy pick nose and eat it, he killed by poisoned bogie.

"We make special book, so when enemy get to last page it read 'you die' – then book squirt poison in enemy's face."

He added: "We even make special mobilephone which only release poison when enemy say 'I on train'."

The new president was elected by a landslide despite accusations that he has the same name as his predecessor and looks exactly like him.

Mr Putin said: "I not Vladimir. My name pronounce totally different, my hair slightly darker and I one centimetre taller.

"You no believe? Is okay, I send you special book, explain everything."

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Big Rise In Women Getting Above Themselves

THE number of women getting above themselves has risen from ‘all right love keep you hair on’ to ‘God, is it that time of the month already?’, a new study reveals. 

According to the research the amount of humourless ballbreakers in charge of departments, or even whole companies, rose from 3.2% last year to an astonishing 3.3% in 2008.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said this meant record numbers of women were now being totally unreasonable at work after some harmless banter or minor misunderstanding.

He added: “I arrived late at a seminar the other day and asked the nice wee lassie taking notes if she wouldn’t mind getting me a glass of water and a couple of bourbons.

“Turned out she was chairing the meeting. She went fucking nuts.”

Bill McKay, 56, said: “I was flying off to Tenerife last year when the pilot comes on the tannoy to tell us about the headwinds and stuff, and it’s only a bloody woman, isn’t it.

“I said to the stewardess, ‘I hope we don’t have to reverse into any parking spaces at the other end’. She thought I was bloody hilarious.”

Wayne Hayes, chief analyst at stockbrokers Donnelly-McPartlin, added: “We just took on this maths PhD from Cambridge, not a bad looker, but when we took her out to the Spearmint Rhino for a bit of team building she just sat stony faced all night.

“When we told her we’d like her to sleep with one of the clients, who was bloody rich anyway, she slapped us with a lawsuit.

“Lesbo.”