Keegan And Newcastle Pledge To Drive Off A Cliff Together

KEVIN  Keegan and Newcastle have pledged to drive off a cliff together in a final act of sisterhood, rather than face relegation from the premier league.

The pair have been on a brief but emotional road trip since Keegan abandoned his boring, domestic life, running a soccer school on a Glasgow industrial estate.

But his bid for a new life has been a failure, apart from one night of crazy sex with a Brad Pitt impersonator from Tynemouth.

An emotional Newcastle said: "Kevin, I'm so sorry I dragged you into this. If you want to get out I'll understand. But it's too late for me. I can't go back – you know that, right?"

An emotional Keegan replied: "I know we should probably never have done this. But I couldn't sit around one more day watching my life go down the drain.

"You saved me Newcastle. You made me feel more alive than any man and I love you for that."

He added: "We've come this far and I'll be damned if we're gonna stop now."

Later this week Keegan and Newcastle are expected to drive to the edge of a quarry on the outskirts of Gateshead, where they will hold hands and accelerate at full speed into oblivion.

Meanwhile Roy Keane and Sunderland are finalising their plans to run out of a little house with guns blazing, into the face of 100 heavily armed Bolivian soldiers.

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Unexploded Plastic Bag Found In Town Centre

POLICE last night cordoned off an unexploded plastic bag in the centre of Norwich, as shoppers fled for their lives.

Bag decommissioning experts confirmed it was a medium-sized carrier from the local Sommerfield, with the potential to maim dozens of innocent people.

The bag was spotted by traffic warden Wayne Hayes as it wafted along the high street during the evening rush hour.

Hayes said: "I were frozen in terror. I thought we'd seen the last of these things. But there it was, just floating along on the breeze.

"I shouted out: 'bag! bag! bag!' and everyone just scarpered like. Except for this one little kid who ran towards it, almost as if she was trying to make friends with it.

"Lukcily, at that point, the police arrived and tackled her to the ground."

The bag then drifted up into the branches of a nearby tree which will now be destroyed in a controlled explosion.

A Norfolk police spokesman said: "This time we have lost a tree. The next time it could be your house, or your gran."

Prime minister Gordon Brown is expected to visit the scene later today when he will announce an extra £2 billion for a network of hi-tech bag-detecting CCTV cameras.