Radiohead Unveil Plan For Low Carbon Groupies

RADIOHEAD will only sleep with groupies who can produce a valid bus ticket to prove they used public transport to get to the after show orgy, the band said last night. 

Singer Thom Yorke said having intercourse with six girls a night, all of whom had driven to the sex-party in their own car, was killing polar bears.

In future all band members would take turns with the best looking girl who had arrived on a bike, as long as she showered in between.

Yorke said: "If getting five people in the back of a limo isn't car sharing then I'd like to know what is.

"Ideally fans should walk to our gigs, though they will need to set off earlier otherwise they won't have time to buy a t-shirt."

He added: "Did you know Mick Jagger has two planes? One for him and one for his sex-groupies. That's a huge carbon fuckprint."

Yorke said the band was doing everything it could to minimise its impact on the environment, except stopping playing huge stadiums with electronically powered instruments.

He said: "We need to get the message over that climate change is killing our planet.

"What better way to do that than with dozens of huge amplifiers, multiple plasma screens and a laser show?"

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'I'm Just Like Any Other Millionaire Soldier Who Can Come Home Whenever He Wants'

ROYAL hero Prince Harry has spoken of his relief at being treated like an ordinary soldier who can come home whenever he feels like it.

The Prince said he will now be able to look other soldiers in the eye when he is inspecting them and asking them what they do.

And he spoke of his satisfaction at being able to walk into the officers' mess, point to the portrait of the Queen, and say: "That's my gran, not yours."

The young millionaire said he now wants the government to engineer a war with Spain so he can fulfill his lifelong ambition of killing a Spaniard with his bare hands.

The Prince said: "I have enjoyed greatly the opportunity to kill people in Afghanistan. But now I would like to kill people a little closer to home.

"My grandfather has always wanted me to kill a Spaniard in hand to hand combat. I trust the prime minister will now oblige me."

A Ministry of Defence spokesman said: "At all times our military strategy is guided by the wishes of a 23 year-old millionaire trying to make up for getting pissed and dressing like a Nazi.

"It is our duty to ensure Prince Harry gets the chance to squeeze the life out of a Spaniard, even if we have to to tear up the Nato treaty and plunge Europe into years of pointless carnage."

Meanwhile, there was jubilation on London's Fulham Road where bar owners have been forced to lay off staff since trade collapsed two months ago.

A spokesman for Boujis nightclub said: "If he's only killing Spaniards it means he can still nip home at weekends for a skinful."

The MoD spokesman added: "This will lead inevitably to a change of tactics in Afghanistan, as the entire aparatus of the British Army will no longer be geared to protecting someone who isn't there."