Cameron bootlegged during China visit

DAVID Cameron has been illegally copied while on a state visit to China.

The bootlegging operation was uncovered by a police raid on a warehouse which discovered pallets full of cheap copies of the prime minister ready to be shipped worldwide.

An expert said: “They’ve got the exact shade of pink on the cheeks and that robotic false warmth in the eyes.

“One even got into the Commons and began giving a speech before it got stuck in an infinite loop of cutting costs and boosting efficiency and had to be beaten to death by Black Rod’s mace.”

The Trading Standards Institute has warned the public not to buy the bootlegs, which contain toxic materials and overheat dangerously when asked for a firm position on membership of the European Union.

A spokesman said: “Most people won’t notice the difference and might buy one to punch about the house, but there are ways to tell.

“If you check the driving licence it actually says ‘Cameren’ and the bootlegs don’t bear the distinctive brand of the original manufacturer, Eton College, on the left buttock.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
If you sit on this horoscope it feels like somebody else is reading it.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week you post a disappointed review on Netflix after the film Hoop Dreams fails to provide the masturbatory opportunities its title suggests.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Ever since you were at school you’ve been told to pull your socks up, not because you’re lazy but because your knees look like a haggis made of knuckles.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you change your name to Beef Garland because it makes you sound like a badass US Marshal.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Big fish, little fish, cardboard box. Big fish, little fish, cardboard box. Amazon have completely ballsed this order up.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You could explain to certain people in your life how they have let you down, why you feel you’ve come to the end of your relationship with them and why you think it’s best you part company. Or you could just buy them a Olly Murs CD for Christmas.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your neighbours complain that your cat has been getting into their garden. Best not tell them about training it to steal underwear.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
At this time of year, spare a thought for others less fortunate than you. And also those more fortunate, the rich bastards.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your kid is the star of the school’s nativity play. Which is a step down from a shepherd, really.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week, why not go on the internet and pretend to have been a bastard to somebody? Although that technically will mean you really are a bastard.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You realise your back hair has got out of control this week when you lean against some flock wallpaper and have to be cut free.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Time to get the sprouts on.