Cameron to arm Syrian rebels with a camping stove

SYRIA’S rebels need a camping stove, some cutlery and a good, solid frying pan, David Cameron has confirmed.

The prime minister renewed his support for the anti-Assad forces after it emerged the rebels had no choice but to eat the hearts of their enemies raw and without cutlery.

He said: “Democracy cannot flourish in Syria while these heroes are forced to have a cold buffet lunch, straight out of someone’s chest.

“And it’s no use sending them a great big pot, like something out of Tintin. Twenty-first century battlefield cannibalism needs fancy cutlery from John Lewis and maybe even one of those water-oven things that Heston Blumenthal is always going on about.”

Mr Cameron met with President Obama yesterday to decide how they were going to help Syria become as stable and peaceful as Libya.

The prime minister predicted that once the murderous Assad regime has been toppled, Syria will enjoy a new era of ‘enlightened religious democracy’.

He added: “Who better to set up a network of nursery schools than a wide-eyed religious maniac who has tasted the rich, gamey flavour of a human aorta?

“I wish I was Syrian.”

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Middle classes excited about not reading Dan Brown's Inferno

MIDDLE class people are itching to have not read the new Dan Brown book.

Fans of distancing themselves from populist things have been unable to sleep at the thrilling prospect of never buying Inferno.

36-year-old Guardian enthusiast Emma Bradford said: “I loved not reading The Da Vinci Code, that was a rip-roaring boost to my intellectual self-esteem.

“The best bit was being able to feel better than something without guilt, because Dan Brown is not inherently working class like meat pies or being stocky.

“He’s just a hack writer for people who read for pleasure and I am definitely not one of those people.

“I just hope the main female character in Inferno is a juvenile stereotype of a buxom academic and that the clumsy, poorly-constructed plot takes wildly implausible liberties with history.

“Also it will be great if there is a one-eyed dwarf assassin called Ludovicio who speaks in grammatically incorrect Latin and most of the idiotic UK population thinks that is good.”

Senior graphic designer Julian Cook said: “Hopefully Inferno has a really lurid, horrible cover with flames and big embossed writing, because I will have great disdain for that when I see other reading it on the tube.

“Of course the hard part with Dan Brown is getting enough information so that you can mock his books but without people thinking you might actually have read them.”