Cameron visit better than a British passport, says refugee

A SYRIAN refugee visited by David Cameron has confirmed that she would never exchange that experience for British citizenship. 

Asala Zedan, who lives with her three children in a tent in the desert a mile outside a war zone, said that meeting the UK’s prime minister was worth more than any change in living conditions. 

She said: “Sadly I could not understand a word he said and he left the moment the photographers were finished, but nonetheless it is so good to know that he cares. 

“Those precious minutes, as he sat uncomfortably on the floor while Special Branch threatened to shoot anyone who approached the tent, are more important to me than a thousand homes in Wolverhampton where my children could grow up without daily shelling. 

“Germany may take in 800,000 of my people, but has their leader flown here for a 60-second clip released free to news agencies? I think not.”

Zedan added: “Mr Cameron also took the time to warn me about a man called Jeram al-Corbin, who he says is a dangerous extremist who threatens the country’s security, economic security and my family’s security. 

“I told him I have first-hand experience of such people, and offered my sympathies.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Women convinced that ‘hovering’ is a legitimate way to use a toilet

MILLIONS of otherwise rational women are trying to use toilets without touching them.

Researchers found that 91 per cent of women believe that crouching in the general direction of the toilet bowl is a viable and hygienic way of relieving themselves.

Teacher Mary Fisher said: “Other people’s toilets have germs on them that make your arse melt.

“That’s why I prefer to cling onto the sink then carefully lower myself into a sort of kangaroo posture.

“Obviously there are problems in terms of aim but any mess can, and will, be blamed on men.”

Hygienist Norman Steele said: “I’ve been using toilet seats ‘full contact’ for years and so far I have not died of a flesh-eating tropical disease. Sometimes I don’t particularly want to sit on them but I accept it as necessary.

“The whole hovering thing is insane and makes you wonder what other strange things women get up to behind closed doors, and whether they may in fact be more disgusting than men.”

Mary Fisher added: “You’ve got to hover in public toilets, because they get so rank from all the people hovering.

“Afterwards, I always carefully wash my hands by turning on the taps and holding them near the water.

“Of course you can’t touch the water. Germs.”