Camerons are 'clingy holiday friends'

A HOLIDAYING couple are trying to shake off the Camerons.

43-year-old Roy Hobbs and his wife Pat met ‘David and Samantha’ two nights ago in one of Portugal’s more upmarket seafood restaurants.

Hobbs said: “We just thought they were a pleasant, slightly weird, posh couple. They’re staying near us, albeit in a bigger and more expensive place.

“When the husband, David, declined to tip because of the waiter having ‘starey eyes’, it hit me. Shit, shit, shit – it’s Camerons!

“Now they won’t fucking leave us alone.

“It’s the worst thing that’s happened to me on holiday since I got stung by a hornet.

“First they suggested going for cocktails, fair enough. Then it was breakfast – bit odd.

“Conversation was running dry by that point due to me being a plumber and not knowing any owners of countries.

“He started bragging a bit, saying ‘Which politicians do you like – because I’ve met them all.’ Whatever mate.

“My wife’s just got a text asking us if we want to meet for lunch ‘at this sweet little lamb place’.

“I might pretend to have the shits.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Sinitta just can't take a hint

Dear Holly,

Normally I pride myself on tact and diplomacy but a certain situation is wearing thin. My ex-girlfriend just can’t take a hint. Since our relationship ended I have dated a long line of beauties and even got engaged to a couple of them. Did she get the message? No. Now I seem to have got some poor lass in the family way and can you believe it, the ex is STILL sniffing about. How can I get Sinitta to sod off? 



Dear Simon,

You need to be very careful with this one, because if you say the wrong thing, this person may well turn on the water works and tell the teacher, and then you’ll be hauled up for bullying. I once told Suzanna Potterton she wasn’t invited to my party because of her terrible flaky scalp (legitimately, I was worried it might contaminate my Peppa pig birthday cake), and next thing I know I am on the naughty table being made to write a poem expressing my deep shame and regret. Unfortunately, as I soon discovered, there is no rhyme for dandruff in Roget’s Thesaurus.

Hope that helps,