Church ready for hot Pope

A 24-YEAR-OLD swimwear model called Cassius has emerged as favourite for the Papacy.

Senior clerics hope to assert the scandal-hit Catholic Church’s heterosexuality by choosing a manly young leader with dark looks and strong muscles.

Rather than limit itself to a pool of grizzled cardinals, the Vatican is recruiting via networking websites like Man2Man.

Using the login Ecu-MEN-ical, it posted: “Are U a religious guy lookin 4 a fun role? Defined body type and basic Bible knowledge required.”

Model and aspiring actor Cassius replied: “Soundz cool. Tell me more plz.”

The toned young man, whose main interests are working out and fun, has since impressed cardinals with his physique and laid-back attitude.

A Vatican spokesman said: “Cassius has great charisma and is used to being on podiums, although mainly in the context of dancing to hard house with his shirt off.

“Often he parties all weekend, which is great training because a Pope needs stamina. He prefers men-only venues so he isn’t tempted by females.

“He’s also introduced us to poppers which are like a fun type of incense.”

The last good-looking Pope was St Sixtus II, who is described in an ancient deuterocanonical text as ‘pretty ripped with great arm definition’.



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Townshend researching book about swearing at children

PETE Townshend is working on a book about how little children react when you tell them to fuck off.

Townshend said his fouled mouthed-outburst at a seven year-old girl and her subsequent reaction had ‘exposed the dark netherworld of innocence and profanity’.

The Who guitarist, who swears at children as part of a campaign to prevent swearing at children, added: “I want to explore the way in which their faces change when an angry old man says ‘fuck off’ or ‘go fuck yourself’ or perhaps ‘what the fuck do you know, you seven year-old piece of shit?’.

“And then I want to turn it into a rock opera that will seem to last for days.”