Come back when he shags a dead pig, says jaded Britain

SEX claims against Donald Trump are ‘lightweight’ and do not even involve a farm animal, according to Britons. 

Allegations that Trump watched prostitutes ‘defile’ a hotel room, which have shocked America, were dismissed as ‘basically vanilla’ by cynical Brits who demand far deeper sexual depravities from leaders. 

Roy Hobbs of Glossop said: “So he just watched them? That’s local councillor level over here. 

“When you’ve been through the Cameron pig allegations and watched the Thatcher cabinet orgy films on YouTube then this Trump stuff’s charmingly wholesome.”

83-year-old grandmother Susan Traherne said: “I didn’t even have to google ‘golden shower’. America needs to raise its game.”

She added: “Christ alone knows what Theresa May’s into. But I think I’m safe in saying she leaves no surviving witnesses.”

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Met Office thanks your dad for Facebook weather updates

THE Met Office has thanked your dad for keeping people up-to-date with the weather via Facebook.

A spokesman said: “His near-daily posts on the temperature, wind and likelihood of rain in his local area offer a valuable service to his 167 friends, who would otherwise be left to get the forecast from the television, internet or a newspaper.”

The Met Office also praised your dad’s jaunty, engaging tone, as typified in today’s post: “Chance of SNOW this week but maybe just rain! Don’t get the sledge out yet!!!”

No mention was made of his inconsistent use of hashtags, which he is yet to fully understand.

Analysis of your dad’s profile found that he has a higher level of social media engagement than other weather channels, often inspiring scores of comments from family members and his friends from the pub.