Cornwall to celebrate new status with disgusting amount of cream

CORNWALL will today celebrate its new minority status with an unstoppable deluge of fresh cream.

The county has been granted official EU recognition for its persistent weirdness, in what campaigners hope is the first step towards extremely unusual independence.

A Cornish Nationalist spokesman said: “We envisage a country where people will pay £2m for a pokey house with a tiny garden built on the side of a hill, but with a spectacular view of the approaching rain clouds.

“We will hate those people passionately and they will hate us, but we will all eat cream together.“

Meanwhile, enormous cream lorries are winding their way through the Cornish countryside, with the first due to arrive at its destination in October 2017.


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Losing weight now a career

BEING famous for losing weight is an acceptable substitute for a modelling, acting or singing career, say minor celebrities.

People who were once well-known for something else have found their amazing ability to gain and lose body fat pays off their mortgage.

Possible Celebrity Big Brother contestant Nikki Hollis said: “I can’t remember entirely how I gained my fame. The X-Factor, Pop Idol, Kenneth Clark’s Civilisation, one of those shows.

“But when my fleeting notoriety began to diminish, dangerously rapid weight gain seemed like the natural step.

“Sitting on the sofa – not even the This Morning sofa – slamming stacks of Jaffa Cakes went against every instinct in my C-list body, but it worked.

“The paparazzi shots of me sweating, newly porky, around a London park went viral and that same day I had a contract for a fitness DVD with my revolutionary ‘eat less and exercise more’ plan.

“That, and a back room filled with shedloads of amphetamine-based diet pills bought from a company in Uzbekistan.

“Which will set me up nicely for my addiction hells and massive stroke hells, pre-sold as exclusives to OK! Magazine