Crime and Punishment reclassified as non-Russian novel

DOSTOYEVSKY’S Crime and Punishment cannot be Russian as the country does not seem interested in either, scholars have agreed. 

Following Russian authorities’ collective shrug at the murder of opposition politician Boris Nemstov,  the novel is to be reclassified as European literature because that includes countries where concepts like justice are taken at least half-seriously. 

Professor Helen Archer said: “Crime and Punishment is about a student who kills two old women and is pursued doggedly by a policeman and his own guilt until he confesses to the crime. Could there be anything less Russian? 

“A more accurate version would see the student bribe the policeman, then the two plot further crimes over vodka before being recruited as hitmen for a gas oligarch. Hijinks ensue.”

Russia has responded by announcing that Tolstoy’s classic War and Peace is to be re-edited and titled War, War, More War and War Again

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Adult believes her cat can see dead people

GROWN-UP woman Emma Bradford believes her cat can see the spirits of the dead.

Bradford, who can vote and drive a car, thinks that whenever the cat looks at the corner of the room it has seen a spirit emerging from the wall.

She said: “He does it all the time. If it’s not spirits, what is it?

“Sometimes he’ll be asleep but then he’ll suddenly wake up and run off, apparently for no reason. This is because an invisible dead person has sat on him.”

Bradford’s cat Jester recently disappeared for two days, because he either got locked in a garage or he was in the ghost dimension talking in the shared ghost/cat language to the floating head of Napoleon.