English viewers miss Salmond trying to bite Alistair Darling

ENGLISH viewers were unable to watch last night’s Scottish independence debate, including the moment Alex Salmond tried to bite Alistair Darling on the face.

Mr Salmond has powerful jaws but no upper-body strength

The debate was broadcast in Scotland only, but a ‘live internet stream’ was offered to the tens of millions of English people who are fascinated by Scottish politics.

Just minutes into the debate the ‘live stream’ failed, leaving English fans unable to enjoy a wide range of topics including currency, oil revenues and extra-terrestrial invasion.

But the key moment came when first minister Alex Salmond stopped mid-sentence, ran across the stage and tried to bite Mr Darling’s cheek.

The former chancellor managed to grab the SNP leader by the head and force him backwards and the two men tussled for a few seconds until the debate’s moderator fired a gun over his head.

Mr Salmond’s spokesman insisted: “We won. Alistair Darling had an incredibly negative approach to what was an optimistic and aspirational attempt to bite him on the face.”

But Julian Cook, professor of politics at Roehampton University, added: “I suspect a large number of SNP supporters will be slightly concerned at Alex Salmond’s inability to defeat Alistair Darling – a man who once lost a debate to a washing machine.”

Meanwhile, English viewers also missed the two men closing the debate in the traditional Scottish fashion by sacrificing an albino horse.


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Your dad in The Expendables 3

YOUR dad and his mate have joined the cast of action movie The Expendables 3.

“They had a free buffet on the set”

The pair are pictured on the film’s poster leaning on the shoulders of Wesley Snipes and Randy Couture, with your father wearing the polyester C & A jumper he keeps for working on the car.

Your dad explained: “I did a bit of work for Sly in the 1980s, repairing his garage roof after some kids had been on it.

“He gave me a call and I brought Bruce from the allotment along because he’s at a bit of a loose end until his courgettes need pulling up.

“There is one scene where I’m falling from a helicopter and use a grenade launcher to destroy a barn so I can land on the burning hay. It’s quite good.

“Ron spent most the time talking to that big old Austrian who used to be Mad Max. No wait that was the other one, I forget now.

“Anyway he’s coming round next week to get some Buddleia cuttings.”

The Expendables 3 also stars Jason Statham, Jet Li, Suzie Dent from Dictionary Corner and your former physics teacher Mr Brennan.