Europe reassures Britain it has been a laughing stock for decades

IN a move to allay fears that Brexit had damaged Britain’s reputation, Europe confirmed the country has been a pathetic laughing stock for ages.

An EU spokesman said: “For decades, centuries even, you’ve been regarded as that cold, shitty country full of drunk people who don’t know how to use sunblock.

“And your food is actually worse than America’s.”

The spokesman added: “The whole of Europe has long regarded your parliament as a playpen for elitist man-babies braying at each other.

“Please, don’t be worried. You couldn’t have made it worse.”

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Buy my kids slime and I cut you, mum warns everyone

A MOTHER of three has warned everyone that if they even think about buying her children slime for Christmas she will cut them with a blade. 

Susan Traherne has included the note in her annual round-robin email to family, which includes details of the children’s achievements at school, holiday photos and a threat to slice them up like a back-alley pimp.

It reads: “And now to Christmas! Obviously I don’t want anyone to go mad, the kids already have too much. Books are always welcome, they both like cuddly toys and if you get them slime I will slit your mouth from ear to ear.

“I don’t care if it’s magnetic or glows in the dark, I don’t care if it’s got glitter in and it’s called unicorn poop, if they get one single pot of slime then no plastic surgeon will ever repair the damage I will do to you.

“We have carpets, in this house. We have curtains. We have lovely clothes. Your so-called ‘fun’ purchase of slime is akin to inviting a farmer to drive in here with his manure-spreader going full blast.

“I will turn your face into a jigsaw. I will play noughts-and-crosses on it. You will never look in a mirror again, when I’ve finished, for fear of what you will see.

“Anyway, Merry Christmas everyone! Hope everyone has a lovely time.”