Exasperated CIA opens UFO to public

THE CIA has turned its extraterrestrial things into a tourist attraction after running out of patience.

The agency revealed its genuine UFO and aliens will offer paid-for ‘abduction experiences’, with the aim of recouping some of the $900 trillion it spent on media manipulation, Men in Black and memory erasing.

CIA director Tom Logan said: “Gary McKinnon was the last straw, I couldn’t face sending out another ‘all staff’ email nagging everyone to use proper passwords.

“I mean, why cover it up anyway? Not only does it cement America’s status as the world’s number one superpower, but now we can sell baseball caps and t-shirts, maybe hire it out for hen nights.

“As you’ll discover, the alien enclosure of Area 51 is actually very like a Travelodge, with bored aliens flipping television channels, looking for nudity.”

Roswell alien Xrrydth Cthullyu said: “The actual reason we have been visiting earth is cress.

“Cress doesn’t grow on our planet but we really like it a lot, especially in egg sandwiches.”

UFO conspiracy theorist Nikki Hollis said: “When there was a cover-up I felt quite special and important, but now I’m just some woman who works at Rymans.”



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Kick football out of racism campaign launched

CAMPAIGNERS are demanding that footballers stop dragging their overpaid pastime into their bigotry.

Members of far-right groups have called for anyone with the ability to run quickly, project a ball or have sex with a glamour model to be thrown off marches and have their white robes confiscated.

Massive racist Wayne Hayes said: “This country has a fine tradition of mindlessly hating anyone who doesn’t basically look exactly like Denis Waterman and we don’t need it sullied by these bunch of flash bastards.

“Being incredibly intolerant used to be a grassroots, working class pursuit but it’s been hijacked by rich sportsmen, which sends out the wrong message to any potential young racists out there.

“It’s not about the glamour or the fame, it’s about having a deep-seated loathing of foreigners. We need to rid our movement of footballers and get back to that core message.”

Representatives wearing badges featuring a picture of Stamford Bridge with a line drawn through it will visit schools, giving talks on how anybody can scream abuse about immigrants, regardless of their ability to run around in shorts.

The movement will present a petition today with 10,000 barely-legible signatures on it calling for the Home Secretary to force any racist found being a footballer to do community service in a working men’s club and attend an Inactivity Awareness course.

Hayes added: “Watching football while being racist may have been acceptable in the 70s but we want to show there’s no place for it in modern prejudice.”