Exasperated CIA opens UFO to public

THE CIA has turned its extraterrestrial things into a tourist attraction after running out of patience.

‘UFO piloting days’ will be on voucher websites

The agency revealed its genuine UFO and aliens will offer paid-for ‘abduction experiences’, with the aim of recouping some of the $900 trillion it spent on media manipulation, Men in Black and memory erasing.

CIA director Tom Logan said: “Gary McKinnon was the last straw, I couldn’t face sending out another ‘all staff’ email nagging everyone to use proper passwords.

“I mean, why cover it up anyway? Not only does it cement America’s status as the world’s number one superpower, but now we can sell baseball caps and t-shirts, maybe hire it out for hen nights.

“As you’ll discover, the alien enclosure of Area 51 is actually very like a Travelodge, with bored aliens flipping television channels, looking for nudity.”

Roswell alien Xrrydth Cthullyu said: “The actual reason we have been visiting earth is cress.

“Cress doesn’t grow on our planet but we really like it a lot, especially in egg sandwiches.”

UFO conspiracy theorist Nikki Hollis said: “When there was a cover-up I felt quite special and important, but now I’m just some woman who works at Rymans.”