Family holiday offers chance to clean up in exotic new kitchen

PARENTS of two young children have booked a foreign holiday so that they can clean up in an exciting new kitchen.

Although it currently takes them 45 minutes to mobilise for a trip to the supermarket, Tom and Clare Booker have organised a holiday where they will perform all their regular domestic chores but in an Airbnb apartment in Rome.

Tom Booker said: “We don’t see why we should stop travelling just because we’ve gone from being a cultured couple to a four-person whirlwind of faecal matter. It’s been a lifelong dream to visit the Colosseum, or at least to organise a trip there and then cancel it on the day because one of the kids has explosive diarrhoea.”

Clare Booker said: “I can barely imagine the thrill of cleaning dried cereal off a marble kitchen surface in a hot country.

“We’re also excited about watching 15 consecutive episodes of badly-dubbed Peppa Pig.”

Friend Susan Traherne said: “My bet is that they don’t even make it through security at Heathrow before they change their minds.”

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I'm Churchill, says Boris

BORIS Johnson has just come straight out and confirmed that he is Winston Churchill. 

The former London mayor and foreign secretary has used his column in the Telegraph to assert that he is the legendary prime minister who led Britain through World War Two and he is ready to lead us once more. 

He continued: “Bald. Cigar. Bulldog face. When you look at me that is what you see, for I am Churchill. 

“I answered this country’s call in its time of need, when the cowardly appeaser Neville Chamberlain resigned, and ensured victory over the hated Hun, and that need has come again. 

“Now is not the time for questions, such as ‘Has he always been Churchill?’ or ‘Didn’t Churchill die in the 60s?’. Such questions are unhelpful and unpatriotic. 

“No, now is the time for Theresa May to resign and for me, Churchill, to take over and lead Britain to an unlikely but resounding victory.” 

Conservative voter Carolyn Ryan said: “When you’re already believing Brexit will be a brilliant success that everybody supports, this isn’t so much of a leap. He’s Churchill alright.”