Far-right weirdo loses election in major shock to status quo

A POPULIST politician who hates immigrants has shockingly lost an election.

Far-right candidate Norbert Hofer failed to win Austria’s presidential poll, in a major shock for many who assumed that swivel-eyed weirdos are the default mainstream choice these days.

31-year-old Emma Bradford said: “When I saw the words ‘election’ ‘far-right’ and ‘Austria’ I skipped straight to page five of my newspaper because I just can’t take it any more.

“Turns out he actually lost, which I can’t quite get my head around. I just assumed the exploitation of racial tensions would win out, triggering a catastrophic domino effect across the region and resulting in loads more nutters gaining power.

“You know, just normal everyday 2016 stuff.”

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No one enjoying being in pub more than local dog 

ABSOLUTELY no one is enjoying being in the pub today more than a local dog, it has emerged.

Larry, a six-year old terrier from Didcot, said: “This place is the nuts.

“I never have to pay for a drink, everyone wants to stroke me and I get to sit by the log fire until my owner is drunk enough for me to walk him home.”

Landlady, Mary Fisher, added: “It’s not really a good night in the pub if Larry isn’t there. It’s a shame he can’t pull pints because I’d hire him in a minute.”

Larry’s owner Bill McKay said: “This is why I’m a dog person. You can’t take a cat to the pub, can you?

“Well, you probably can in Shoreditch, but you can’t round here.”