Farage to school Trump in the art of seduction

NIGEL Farage is to rescue Donald Trump’s campaign by training the Republican candidate in the art of seduction.

The interim UKIP leader has told Trump he needs to win the respect and trust of women voters and can only do so if he becomes a ‘grand master in the ways of love’.

Farage said: “I am very popular with the ladies. And it’s not just because I’m incredibly handsome and have a voice as smooth as chocolate milk. I also know how to woo.

“It’s a secret method as old as love itself and it only cost me eighty quid.”

He added: “It’s basically a series of booklets with really good pictures and lots of tips about aftershave. The first one comes with a free DVD.”

Farage refused to give more details, but said the first lesson is entitled ‘The Great British Fanny’.

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Things probably shit enough to make me look okay, reckons Blair

TONY Blair believes there may be a role for him in UK politics as long as things remain shit enough to detract from his faults. 

The former prime minister said: “Since both sides seem to be massively fucking up, I feel emboldened to consider helping out.

“Maybe there’s a job where I can keep telling people ‘I told you so’ and then gurning a little bit.”

But Blair stressed he will not remain in any political position long enough for the public to notice.

He added: “Basically I’ll do what I think is right until it all gets too awkward. Probably midway through my first morning.”