ENVIOUS of Americans for their late November festivities? Here’s five homegrown traditions that will make you glad you were born British:
A Thanksgiving feast of sweet potato with marshmallows or turkey with a blueberry glaze is nothing compared to losing a tooth on bonfire toffee while a scarecrow with a goatee goes up in flames for public-spiritedly attempting to blow up Parliament.
Snuggled up in slankets watching the Superbowl, Yanks will never appreciate the simple charm of shutting the f**k up for two minutes and watching some bastard politicians lay a wreath.
Getting angry about early Christmas
With no buffer period between Halloween and Christmas, we Brits get to experience the righteous anger of seeing Christmas decorations up on November 1st while scorning attempt to make Black Friday a thing. It’s beautiful and heartwarming to see.
Strictly Come Dancing
They’ve got Dancing With The Stars over there, but it’s a poor imitation with no wife-swapping. The November build-up to find out who is leaving their long-term spouse to become tabloid fodder for six months is far more wholesome than any family reunion.
As the nights draw in, Americans travel thousands of miles to be with loved ones, while we venture out in our Nissan Micras to watch strangers nosh each other off in car parks. It gets a bit tawdry by the festive season.