Five British November traditions that are way better than Thanksgiving

ENVIOUS of Americans for their late November festivities? Here’s five homegrown traditions that will make you glad you were born British: 

Bonfire night

A Thanksgiving feast of sweet potato with marshmallows or turkey with a blueberry glaze is nothing compared to losing a tooth on bonfire toffee while a scarecrow with a goatee goes up in flames for public-spiritedly attempting to blow up Parliament.

Remembrance Day

Snuggled up in slankets watching the Superbowl, Yanks will never appreciate the simple charm of shutting the f**k up for two minutes and watching some bastard politicians lay a wreath.

Getting angry about early Christmas

With no buffer period between Halloween and Christmas, we Brits get to experience the righteous anger of seeing Christmas decorations up on November 1st while scorning attempt to make Black Friday a thing. It’s beautiful and heartwarming to see.

Strictly Come Dancing

They’ve got Dancing With The Stars over there, but it’s a poor imitation with no wife-swapping. The November build-up to find out who is leaving their long-term spouse to become tabloid fodder for six months is far more wholesome than any family reunion.


As the nights draw in, Americans travel thousands of miles to be with loved ones, while we venture out in our Nissan Micras to watch strangers nosh each other off in car parks. It gets a bit tawdry by the festive season.

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Enthusiastic on Mondays, and other signs you're the worst colleague

DO your workmates absolutely despise you? This is why: 

You’re enthusiastic

You bounce in, bright-eyed, ready to really get cracking on another week of work. Why? You don’t get paid any more for it. Surely it can’t be genuine?

You schedule 9am meetings

It’s accepted that nine-to-five jobs really start at 10am. Maybe 9.30am in extreme circumstances, for example your distribution centre being on fire. To expect everyone to be fully functioning during your bollocks meeting at what’s virtually dawn? Inexcusable.

You chase up emails

No-one’s unaware you sent them an email. All we do is stare at emails for seven point five hours a day. We’re trying to muster strength to type a few words back so stop wildly chasing for the completion of a meaningless, mundane task and let us do the bare minimum in peace.

You make unsolicited suggestions

‘Sorry can I just interrupt to say–’  No, you can’t, you loathsome twat. Keep your advice to yourself and go back to chasing up pointless emails you sent 20 minutes ago. ‘Have you tried calling–’ Try f**king off.

You overshare

Monday is for discussing how much work sucks. Your delusion that anyone cares what you got up to in the garden this weekend or last night’s dream is unhinged. To keep going while everyone’s eyes glaze over in dead, resentful silence is a real achievement.

You arrange activities

The time for a mass email about some really fantastic organised fun is not now. Not ever, but definitely not now. Asked everyone to take part in a hilarious challenge? Come up with a brilliant team-building exercise? Do you know that every other employee is fantasising your demise?

You actually take this shit seriously

You’re sending concerned emails after 5pm. You devise new systems and expect people to use them. You shoot disparaging looks at anyone engaged in a quick 40-minute chat about Taskmaster. Don’t you realise? People are only here for money.