'For a rambling, incoherent bigot I'm still doing surprisingly well'

By Donald Trump

FOR a rambling, bigoted shithead, I have done surprisingly well in the midterm elections.

I lack any qualities traditionally considered presidential, but have held control of the Senate and only lost the House of Representatives which I don’t even care about.

This would be a decent midterm result for a decent president. But it’s a major-league win for a jerkwad like me.

I’ve proven that it doesn’t matter how racist, corrupt, petty or just plain dumbfuck stupid I am, about half the country will vote for me regardless. That’s a hell of a building block for 2020.

All the Democrats need to do is run the wrong candidate, like a woman or a boring guy or a guy who’s annoyingly smart, and I will steamroller them.

In fact I might just claim I’m running against Hillary, ignoring whoever it actually is, and shout ‘lock her up’ and that’s probably enough for a win.

It’s great being a shithead in America.

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Woman briefly wonders if cocaine is vegan

A WOMAN pursuing an ethical lifestyle has briefly wondered if cocaine is vegan.

Emma Bradford, from Hackney, raised the query while in the toilets of a South London wine bar, before deciding that it is.

Bradford said: “I think it comes from a tree so that’s fine. The ‘cocaine tree’. It is very important to me that it at least comes from some sort of plant.

“I know some people say it’s got all sorts of other stuff in, it like milk powder and paracetamol, but people also say that yoga can’t cure cancer, so I don’t know what to believe.

“And it comes from South America like my fair trade 95% cocoa chocolate and my lovely hat that was knitted by an orphan called ‘Pablo’, so it’s probably fine.

“Actually, I’m going to say yes, it’s definitely fine.”