'Fraid not, says Murdoch

RUPERT Murdoch has told Donald Trump that he will not win the presidency in 2024 as he has another candidate in mind. 

Following Trump’s announcement that he will run to lead the US again, he received a short phone call from an Australian man telling him sorry, but no.

A spokesman for the 91-year-old who has decided who runs the US, Britain and Australia for the last 40 years said: “He should have consulted with us before he embarrassed himself. Rishi did.

“Ignore the announcement. Rupert’s chosen someone else to be the next president. He’s not happy with Biden, even though he’s followed orders to the letter, so we’re having the Florida dude.

“He thanked Mr Trump for his service and all, but he almost ruined the illusion of democracy with that insurrection, and Rupe likes the idiots to believe they’re in charge.

“Trump’s welcome to go back to reality TV, go to prison or die, and whatever he chooses we hope he enjoys himself. But president? Please.”

Ron DeSantis said: “I pledge to serve the Murdoch family, Rebekah Brooks and the interests of News International without fear or favour so help me God.”

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The poor, beleaguered landlord's guide to why it's a really hard time for them, actually

BUY-TO-LET landlords are seeing their profits slump due to increases in mortgage rates. Landlord Martin Bishop explains why else it’s a terribly difficult job:

The government’s against us

Thanks to the Conservatives, who are meant to be our guys, mortgages are rocketing. This means a buy-to-let landlord with an eight-property London portfolio is screwed. I’m looking at selling at least one of them. You can’t imagine the emotional toll of that. It will honestly be worse than being homeless.

Maintenance and upkeep is problematic

By which I mean f**king expensive. We’re being bled dry. Tenants these days put up such a fuss about faulty wiring and gas safety certificates. Do you know how much electricians and dampproofing cost? Obviously not, because you don’t even own a house, you workshy scum, I mean valued tenant.

Nobody has a good word

You’d think people would be grateful for a place to live, but they carp endlessly about paying out 30 per cent of their wage on a beige shithole where they aren’t allowed to put up pictures or have pets. Yes, the washing machine’s been broken for seven months, but I’m very busy ignoring all my other tenants right now.

No one believes in our altruism

I got into this job to help people. To put a roof over the heads of those in need. To give something back. So stop moaning that I’ve served you with a section 21 notice because I need to put the rent up. You’ve had your turn. Move on.

Everyone thinks we’re in it for the money 

I mean, they’re not wrong. We’re tightfisted f**kers who go out of our way to screw people out of their deposit. But we still hurts us when they to think it.