French shocked by lack of shock

THE people of France have been left shocked by the complete absence of shock they feel at former president Jacques Chirac being found guilty of embezzlement.

As the sentence was announced, people across France lost the ability to shrug as the immense lack of surprise overpowered their neurological and musculoskeletal systems.

Helene Archer, an air traffic controller at Charles De Gaulle Airport said: “I find the idea of a French politician diverting money to his own friends and putting them into fake jobs so numbingly plausible that I couldn’t even be bothered to get up this morning and smash my car out of its parking spot.”

Parisian journalist/lover Julien Lambert said: “It is unbelievable how unsurprising it is that a former head of state should be thus convicted.

“This has not happened here since 1945 when Marshal Philippe Petain was found guilty of collaborating with the Nazis.

“Well at least we need never again fear a French leader climbing into bed with a domineering, power-hungry German regime.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies,said: “It is important to note that Monsieur Chirac will not serve time in a prison and this sends a powerful message to current politicians.

“It says after you lose the privilege of immunity, make sure you grow old in a rather endearing way, like a kind grandad whose pockets are perpetually stuffed with boiled sweets.

“Although Chirac would probably charge you for the Werthers and not declare the income.”



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End of Iraq war marked by beginning of Iraq civil war

AMERICA’S withdrawal from Iraq, which ends nine years of war, will be marked by a special civil war as soon as the last helicopter leaves.

The end of the fragile peace maintained by coalition forces will be marked by spectacular heavy artillery fireworks and synchronised gunfire.

And the US military’s final “flag-lowering” ceremony will be followed by an inaugural “flag-burning ceremony”, during which the flags of various rival factions and political parties will be torched for the benefit of international television crews.

President Barack Obama, who came to office pledging to bring troops home, said on Wednesday that the military was leaving behind a “sovereign, stable and self-reliant Iraq”, displaying the blind refusal to face facts that has made him such a hit with voters.

Some Iraqis were cautiously optimistic, however. Commentator Omar Basil said: “Iraq has a long record of maintaining peaceful stability, provided you ignore the first Gulf war, the Iran-Iraq war, the brutal 35 year regime of Saddam Hussein and its attendant genocide and human rights atrocities, and the two coups that took place in the 1960s.

“That aside, it’s been plain sailing”.

Meanwhile, ordinary Iraqis have been wondering what to do with all the shit that American troops have left behind.

Taxi drover Ali Risn said: “In the areas around the former US bases you can see many heavy rock CDs, packets of Doritos and canisters containing something called ‘Proto Blast Mega Muscle drink’, which apparently helps you ‘get ripped fast’.

“The words ‘blast’ and ‘ripped’ make me think I don’t want to try it.”