Give back everything you bought with foreign aid, say tight bastards

COUNTRIES must give back anything they bought with foreign aid from the UK, mean-spirited Britons have demanded.

After the UK was revealed to have overspent on overseas aid, tightwads now want developing countries to return items ranging from irrigation systems to pencils for child literacy projects.

Van driver Roy Hobbs said: “It’s not right that countries like Africa are getting all this free stuff when there are kids round here who’d love a fancy water pump to play with.

“They must send them back and pay the postage and packing.”

Accountant Donna Sheridan said: “Taxpayers should be allowed to choose which aid thing they want. I’d like a Nigerian medical centre so I don’t have to wait to see my GP.”

The UK government has promised to send civil servants to reclaim drugs, electricity generators and sacks of rice.

Pakistani villager Naeem Jilani said: “The modern communal toilet was a bit of a luxury, so I’m glad it’s been taken away and turned into downstairs bathrooms in Surrey.

“Sorry for all the expensive stuff we’ve scrounged off Britain. We were really getting up ourselves with our flashy well.”

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Man receives award for alcohol-free weekend

A 38 YEAR-old man has been hailed a hero after spending an entire weekend without alcohol.

Father of three Roy Hobbs is not on antibiotics or pregnant and appears to have achieved the feat voluntarily. He was presented with a trophy shortly arriving at work.

Colleague Tom Logan said: “He walked in this morning and said he had not had a beer since Thursday night, like it was the most normal thing in the world.

“My granddad took part in D-Day and said the word ‘hero’ was used too much, but I think even he would acknowledge this level of raw courage.”

The feat began on Friday when Hobbs went straight home after work to spend time with his family rather than opt for three increasingly incoherent hours in the pub explaining what an arse his manager is.

He then he faced the horrors of Saturday night television without the help of vodka, followed by a sprawling, epic Sunday brooding on the week ahead.

Hobbs said: “While I am proud of what I have achieved, I intend to be shitfaced by 7pm this evening and call in sick tomorrow with a stomach bug.”