Greece ordered not to have hot summers and lovely blue sea

EU CHIEFS have ordered Greece to give up its sunny climate, sandy beaches and general pleasantness.

The country, which owes billions to the EU, the IMF and, claims to be following austerity rules while obstinately remaining a nice place to be.

IMF director Julian Cook said: “Five years after agreeing cuts in all possible areas, Greeks are still able to lie around in the sun before paddling in the Aegean even while unemployed. In fact especially while unemployed.

“Britain and Germany lead the continent in productivity precisely because they’re miserable places where you might as well spend all day in an office because it’s fucking horrible outside.

“The Greeks have been granted a nine-month delay to loan repayments on condition that they concrete over their beaches, pump the sea full of sewage and blanket the country in grey cloud.

“The same goes for Spain and Italy, who need to make their countries much, much less delightful places to be in or face the repercussions.”

Greece has been warned not to go too far and become all snowy and Scandinavian because of the associated risk of liberal fairness and unashamed enjoyment of sex.

Greek prime minister Alexis Tsipras’s protests that actually Greek winters are rainy and cold have been dismissed by a European public that goes every August when it is always lovely.

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Family knows maximum amount it would spend to keep dog alive

A FAMILY has decided that if their dog ever needed veterinary treatment costing over £1000 they would not bother.

The Booker family recently spent £650 on a minor operation for their ten-year-old retriever Charlie, prompting the unofficial decision of a cut off point.

Father-of-two Tom Booker said: “We’re all very fond of Charlie, especially our youngest, but he’s getting on now and dogs are essentially quite similar.

“Obviously we’d pay to get his anal glands done or anything minor, but any serious stuff I wouldn’t want to go over a grand.

“I mean, that’s a holiday or the deposit on a car. I’m sure if he could talk he would agree that was fair enough.”