'I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Turban' Claims Obama

DEMOCRATIC frontrunner Barak Obama has been forced to deny claims he had sex with a turban during a visit to Africa.

Senator Obama was photographed snuggling the traditional Islamic headgear while in Somalia in 2006. In one picture he is even wearing it on his head.

Obama's opponents say the disturbing images prove he is little more than a depraved savage who is planning to annihilate the people of Texas.

The Senator, trembling with anger, said last night: "I want to say one thing to the American people. I did not have sexual relations with that turban.

"The turban helped me with some important research tasks. We became close and at one point I stuffed a cigar up it, but that was it."

Meanwhile the four year-old Somali turban is believed to have been offered a $1 million deal to give its side of the story.

One Washington insider said: "Crazy all-night Koran sessions, knocking down Lego models of the Empire State Building. And lots and lots of freaky sex."

The Senator's wife Michelle said: "I am standing by my husband, not because I love him, not because I believe in him, but because he may be useful when I run for president in 2016."

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All New Homes To Smell Of Toffee And Urine

ALL new homes will be made from boiled sweets and smell of piss and chopped pork, to ensure they are suitable for the elderly, the government said last night. 

Houses will have to be full of prunes, high in fibre and rich in cod liver oil to keep their occupants regular and their joints supple.

The name of each room will be written in large type on the door accompanied by an additional sign which reads, 'your glasses are on your head'.

And under its 'Lifetime Homes, Lifetime Neighbourhoods' plan the government also wants to make entire areas suitable for the elderly by keeping them clear of Irish, tinkers and blacks.

Housing minister Caroline Flint said: "Yes, this is your home dear, you’ve lived here four years now, no the toilets inside – downstairs, by the front door.

"I don’t think your husband will be home from work soon. He’s dead you see. Now don’t get like that, it was years ago, you remember, complications with the operation. Piles.

"No, I don’t think they smell. I don't actually live next door to any, no. I’m with the government. No, I’ve not met her. Yes, I’m sure she was very good for the country. I’m with the other side. Labour. No, you fuck off."

Wayne Hayes, from charity Old Age Concern, said he now spent most of his time sorting out housing issues for the elderly. "Whining, ungrateful bastards," he added.