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I met Donald by my own incredible good luck, says Melania

THE First Lady has revealed that it was her own incredible good fortune that led her to the dreamboat that is Donald Trump.

During her address to the White House yesterday, Melania Trump revealed that Jeffrey Epstein had nothing to do with the miraculous series of coincidences that connected her to her charming, handsome husband.

She said: “The malicious rumour that Epstein introduced us needs to stop. You’re clearly all just jealous that the president loves me and not you.

“I cannot blame you for being envious. Who would not want a man who is comfortable enough to wear an adult diaper over his mushroom penis at all times? He is a catch and I am luckiest girl in the world.

“While you stay up late swiping right, I lie in my big gold bed in a separate room to the love of my life. Sometimes I laugh myself to sleep wondering what I did to deserve him, especially when I see him posting his adorable insane rants on Truth Social.

“I thought I set record straight about how I met Donald in my movie, which you all watched and went crazy for. It was a classic case of horny businessman helps glamorous model get work. Tale as old as time, no paedo involved.”

She added: “Now that cleared up please go back to forgetting Epstein files. Think of much happier peace in Middle East instead.”

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Woman's spring clean is binning all of boyfriend's possessions

A WOMAN spring cleaning the flat she shares with her partner has decided that means chucking out all his stuff she does not see the point of.

Emma Bradford felt her clean and declutter should not involve getting rid of any of her own possessions, and she would instead do partner Tom Logan a huge favour by binning most of his ‘old rubbish’.

Bradford said: “The flat’s turning into a tip so I decided to have a sort-out while Tom was at work. 

“Obviously my old psychology textbooks from uni are staying, plus childhood storybooks which hold so many memories, and a few other essentials. Is having four make-up bags excessive? Does he want me to stay young-looking and attractive? There’s your answer.

“Tom, on the other hand, really doesn’t need three guitars – he can only ever play one at a time – and he’s surely outgrown that bloody PlayStation now he’s 35. Ditto all those CDs and DVDs of his.

“I hope he’ll be pleased when he gets home from work and sees I’ve transformed the place. Although there’ll still be no space in the wardrobe for his clothes.”

Logan said: “Emma said she’s having a spring clean on her day off today, bless her. She’ll have fun swishing a duster round and hoovering under the bed.

“She can finally get round to chucking out some of her shit that’s cluttering the place up. So long as she’s careful cleaning around my Gibson Custom 1957 Les Paul and doesn’t rearrange my Grand Theft Auto games in the wrong order that will be great.”

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