ARE you feeling suitably outraged about the bastards at Waitrose who sacked a staff member who took on a scumbag shoplifter? If not you could be missing out, so here’s what to do.
Be sure to say ‘You could not make it up’
Sacking someone for tackling a shoplifter is clearly lunacy of the most deranged kind, so definitely use the worn-out cliché made ubiquitous by Richard Littlejohn: ‘You could not make it up!’ You’ll sound both perceptive and incredibly witty. To morons.
Do not look at both sides
It’s not unreasonable for supermarkets to have strict rules about dealing with shoplifters, even if it’s largely about avoiding legal action, and that staff should adhere to them when explicitly instructed to. And what if the Waitrose employee had been injured, or perhaps even stabbed? Do not in any way consider these alternative viewpoints. It spoils the fun.
Bask in sanctimonious anger
Being sacked for trying to stop a crime is, at a basic level, pretty unjust. Which means you can enjoy the buzz of being both furious and in the right as you rant about the sickening mistreatment of this heroic Waitrose martyr whose name you forget.
Weirdly make it into a class issue
Fellow supermarket Iceland quickly stepped in with a job offer for the sacked employee, Walker Smith. Clearly this is about the middle-class ponces who run Waitrose and shop there sneering at decent working-class people, while the authentically proletarian frozen food giant Iceland has their backs. It’s definitely not just a bit of good publicity.
Join in right-wing newspaper comments
The Mail, Express and Telegraph’s comments are seething pits of fury about the Waitrose One, and it’s exciting to join a mob, even just an online one. Of course it suits these newspapers for people to think Britain is a woke, lawless hellhole as it makes them vote Conservative or Reform. You could consider whether you’re being subtly manipulated, but you’re too busy typing ‘BRING BACK HNANGIG, NIGEL!!!!!!’
Firmly believe this is everything wrong with modern Britain
It is! Shoplifters running amok, no respect for authority, you never see a bobby on the beat, cat litter trays in schools, young people too soft for D-Day… the list goes on. Obviously an isolated case of someone being sacked for breaking clear company rules doesn’t prove any of this, but it’s more gratifying to feel Britain is doomed and you’re one of the few people clever enough to see it.
Abruptly move on to the next confected outrage
After droning on to anyone who’ll listen and boring for England down the pub, suddenly forget about poor Mr Smith when you find a new grievance. Perhaps there’s an unmarried mother in the Mail who has the sheer f**king nerve to go on holiday despite claiming benefits? Yes, of course there is! You’re starting to get the red mist again! Lovely!
