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Man with truly crazy exes struggling to describe them without sounding like a shit

A MAN whose ex-girlfriends could reasonably be labelled as insane is having a hard time describing them without sounding awful.

Due to the unhinged behaviour of his ex-girlfriends, Tom Booker has realised that he cannot describe his former partners without coming across as a misogynistic devotee of the manosphere.

Booker said: “Every bloke secretly thinks his exes are at least a little bit mental. In fact it’s probably what attracted us to them in the first place.

“But mine have keyed my car, set fire to my wardrobe, and chased me with an axe for no reason at all. And yet if I sum up their behaviour as ‘crazy’ then suddenly the person I’m talking to thinks I’m the bad guy.

“What else should I say? That they had a flair for pyrotechnics and weren’t afraid to express their emotions? I feel like I’d be gaslighting myself into overlooking their loony tunes behaviour.

“On the other hand, if I were to lie and say they were great people and we’re still friends then I’d be accused of being hung up on them. I’m f**ked either way.”

Nikki Hollis, who Booker is currently dating, said: “What I’m hearing is that Tom has a habit of letting nutjobs into his life, which is a massive red flag. Sounds like those other women dodged a bullet.”

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Shagging abroad isn't included, and other body count rules

WHAT happens in Faliraki stays in Faliraki. And here are more rules for what to say when someone asks about your ‘body count’.

Sex outside Britain is excluded

We all do silly stuff on holiday, like getting sunburnt. A five-man gangbang in your Torremolinos rental villa is no different. And, in the same way, so long as you get rid of all the embarrassing pics and apply ointment to the affected areas, it basically never happened.

Uni also doesn’t count

You were a different person. A feral, VK-fuelled student who believed in Marxism and made poor decisions in dimly-lit kitchens. In fact, you were just shagging the many not the few, in keeping with your collectivist principles. Nobody expects any continuity between that person and the one now discussing air fryers and back pain.

Work it out by month

Like paying rent, if you calculate the overall sum it sounds a lot higher than when you work it out monthly. Then it’s only a couple a month, or a week, and you can conveniently forget that week-long holiday where you may as well not have had your own hotel room.

If you can’t recall their surname, they’re not on the list

This is purely admin. If there’s no realistic way of identifying them on LinkedIn, it’s unfair to expect you to log it as a meaningful entry in your life. Imagine how humiliating it would be for you – and them – to say ‘Tom 4’ or ‘Hayley 3’. You’re trying to save them pain, whatever they’re called and wherever they are.

Anything before smartphones is unverifiable

Sex that occurred when you had to actually call someone on your Nokia 3410 basically occurred in the Dark Ages. It’d be like discussing Henry VIII’s romping. There are no photos, no messages, no ill-advised late-night texts to revisit. AKA, no proof.

Friends are off-limits

Telling a partner that you rode someone you still know isn’t going to help them get along. You’re conveniently – and selflessly – forgetting that incident at Middlesbrough station to ensure strong group stability and let your other half slip seamlessly into the gang. Until you break up and have to go through all this again with someone else. Still, that’s the price you pay for being so considerate of other people’s feelings and such a moral person.

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