Iran Full Of Nutters, Says Clinton

HILLARY Clinton opened a new chapter in the West's diplomatic relations with Iran yesterday by describing the country as 600,000 square miles of sand-infested whackjobs.

Speaking in Qatar, the US Secretary of State stressed that even the country's silhouette looked like a man screaming death threats at a pigeon and claimed Iran was an acronym for 'Is Raring to Attack, Nuclearly'.

In what Middle East analysts say was a coded message to moderate elements within the Supreme Council of Ayatollahs, Mrs Clinton said: "You're a bunch of grade-A fucking maniacs. Pack it in.

"Enriched Uranium and a leader who makes Kim Jong-il look like a tax accountant. Holy Mother of God, I'd rather stick my left tit in the gears of a tank."

Mrs Clinton stressed cultural differences should not be a barrier to progress and that a new generation of modernisers could recalibrate Iranian diplomacy, adding: "One time I was there and there were like all these psychos running around, waving swords above their heads and making a noise that sounded like a car alarm.

"I was totally shitting it, and I said to Bill 'these people are just crazy freaks' and he was all like 'I know, let's Airforce One-it the hell out of here'. Oh, and by the way, they eat live insects, did you know that?"

Iran's elite Revolutionary Guard responded to Clinton's comments by denouncing Western interference and realeasing one of those badly-made videos that looks like an incredibly menacing version of You've Been Framed.

Meanwhile President Obama insisted Mrs Clinton and her State Department officials were 'formulating a new paradigm' to secure stability in Iran and the wider region, adding: "I think we can all now understand why Bill went looking for a bit of uncomplicated chubby on the side. Jesus."


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Taliban To Be Wooed With Property Makeovers

NATO's latest Afghan strategy aims to wean the Taliban off Islamic fundamentalism and onto obsessing about their living rooms.

In the second phase of Operation Moshtarak British home makeover experts will help insurgents to unlock the potential of their hideouts, giving them a top-quality living environment with enhanced marketability.

Brigadier Julian Cook said: "The key to winning hearts and minds in Helmand lies in showing people a better life is possible via the strategic deployment of downlighters.

"The low standard of interiors in much of the country has created an environment where the people feel they have no option but to use improvised explosives because they haven't got a pleasant lounge in which they can just chill with a decent red and a Groove Armada CD."

Following the push into Taliban strongholds, experts including Linda Barker and Kirstie Allsop will move in with fabric swatches, shabby chic sideboards and, crucially, a selection of great ideas.

A NATO spokesman said: "Amazingly, there is no word in Pashtun for 'buy-to-let', which is  probably why they stick to making their money from smack.

"But once the ordinary Taliban fighter has seen Linda transform a dowdy hideout into a 'mocca chocca' lifestyle complex with characterful reclaimed timber shelves and deep natural hues, he will soon be clamouring to maximise the liveability of his property, be it a cave, a trench or a semi-exposed rocky outcrop with a lovely view that's close to a really good abandoned school."