THE whole nation is approaching the midpoint of a very successful Dry January, if referring to sex only. 

After achieving a full fortnight without even a hint of sexual activity, aided by the cold weather, their post-Christmas bodies and The Traitors being on three nights a week, Britain is confident it can get through the whole month.

Wayne Hayes of Swindon said: “Honestly, it’s been a breeze. Put together the shape I’m and and the mood the wife’s in and I’m not even tempted.

“The single lads at work have reported they’re not getting a sniff on the apps no matter how much they lie, and even those with girlfriends say it never seems to be the night for it.

“There’s just something about this time of year – the hopelessness, the debt, the sick memories of overindulgence – that makes not having sex seem entirely natural. If a couple are at it they’re freaks. Maybe on holiday.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Unlike abstaining from alcohol or unhealthy food, doing a sexual Dry January is a breeze. Just lie back and let it not happen.

“In fact, many find it so easy they take it through February and well into March. Until all the egg-related imagery gets them so hot they find themselves spontaneously f**king up against walls.”