Ireland Begins Search For New Chief Leprechaun

IRELAND'S leprechaun catchers were grabbing their nets and pulling on their boots last night as the country began it's search for a new leader.

Bertie Ahern, chief leprechaun since 1997, announced he would be standing down to spend more time at the end of his favourite rainbow in County Meath.

Leading leprechaun catcher, Sheamus O'Flaherty, said the new leader must have a 'bee-ootiful' singing voice and special magic dust that makes the dew sparkle and dance on a sunny Spring morning.

O'Flaherty added: "I'll be lookin' under toadstools and inside old tree stumps, so I will. Then I'll clap my hands together and do a little jig.

"And if he's too shy to come out and say hello, I'll leave him a little bit of boiled beef. Oh, they can't resist it!"

Mickey O'Reardon, a leprechaun hunter in the County of Cork, said: "There's a special cupboard at the back of O'Reilly's pub in the town of Skibereeen where, if you whistle a jaunty tune on a moonlit night in May, the little people come out and loan ye a bit o' their magic.

"But use it wisely mind. They won't forgive you if you waste it on horses and stout and such like."

O'Reardon added: "Of course, the thing ye have to remember most of all when huntin' for a new chief leprechaun is that they love bribes. Great, big, fat bribes."


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Hands Up Who Hasn't Shagged This Camel

A BEAUTIFUL camel who also claims to be a part-time model is really just a dirty skank who is mad for cock, one of her ex-boyfriends revealed last night. 

Osman Iqbal said he started dating Afia six weeks ago only to discover she was also sleeping with at least two of his close friends.

He accused his former lover of being a 'whore of the desert' who spreads her giant legs for a pint of water and a packet of medjool dates.

Iqbal said: "When I first see Afia I captivated by her beautiful dark eyes, her lovely smile and the sexy way she move. She also fantastic kisser.

"I lie with her most every night, she warm and generous and sensitive lover. It not my first time with camel but I not so experienced. She very patient.

"I ask her pose for pictures. I take nice shots, not dirty ones. I get her enter in Miss Camel World beauty contest in Abu Dhabi.

"But when I show Afia pictures my friends they all go 'ha, ha, ha, ha, ha' and say she  dirty camel bitch who do it with anyone round back of mosque at weekend.

He added: "Azaad, he say to me 'I have her many time, one time Fatih and me spit-roast her while Hasan film it on mobile phone'.

"If she win I put sex tape on the internet and tell News of World. There no way she get marry Bruce Forsyth then."