Irish banned from St Patrick's Day

THE Irish have been barred from St Patrick’s Day celebrations worldwide because they get carried away and ruin it.

Anyone holding an Irish passport or with recent Irish ancestry has been asked to stay home, stay off the Guinness and to stop harshing everyone’s buzz with potato famine stories.

Tom Logan, manager of O’Seamus’s Shamrock Shack in North London, said: “My customers want a couple of pints of the black stuff with wonky shamrocks in the froth before switching to something drinkable.

“Then we stick the Pogues on the jukebox and have a bit of the so-called ‘craic’.

“The last thing we need is some Irishman getting all political and doing that angry shouting voice from the 1970s news.”

Eleanor Shaw, owner of the Paddyshack theme bar in America, said: “St Patrick’s Day is about having a manufactured reason to party, which is a perfect fit with that bullshit story about the snakes.

“That means we have to exclude the genuine Irish who get all weepy, compare my bar staff to the Black-and-Tans and then start bringing religion into it, of all things.

“This day isn’t ‘about’ anything except consumerism, it’s like Christmas but with drink instead of presents.”


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HS2 money to be pissed away faster

THE government is being urged to quicken the pace at which it pisses away the HS2 budget.

Experts said the high speed rail project would only make sense if the pointless northern section was being built at the same time as the completely idiotic southern bit.

Civil engineer Jane Thompson said: “That way we can watch two budgets spiralling out of control at the same time.

“You can also piss even more money into a bucket by having two concurrent public inquiries into why the two budgets have spiralled out of control.”

Thompson added: “Just so much pissing. Like a million shire horses full of lager.”

HS2 is a £100bn scheme to have slightly shorter journey times from Manchester and Birmingham to London, thereby solving Britain’s biggest ever problem.