Irish making offensive jokes about the thick-as-pigshit English

IRISH people are increasingly joking about how unbelievably stupid the English are, they have confessed. 

The new wave of English jokes began midway through 2016 and have only intensified over the last three years, with many of the particularly cruel ones beginning ‘Did you hear about the Englishman with a plan to solve the backstop?’

Tom Logan of Dublin said: “Aah, they’re not racist. They’re just a bit of fun.

“They’re just things like ‘A notice went up saying ‘Tree fellers wanted’ and three Englishmen turned up, but a Pole had already done it so they voted to punch themselves in the face until they were unconscious instead.’

“A lot of the best revolve around this comical halfwit called Mark Francois. But he’s such an exaggeration of the xenophobic numbskull, nobody could take them seriously.”

Norman Steele of Dorking said: “Yes, it’s tempting to laugh but such laughs demean the English and perpetuate the idea that we’re an island race of self-important simpletons.

“We don’t want the rest of Europe viewing us as a nation of gammon-faced, finger-jabbing, Daily Mail-swallowing, fact-averse morons.

“Fair enough, half of us are. But the rest of us see ourselves, on our day, as just as good as the Irish, Welsh and Scots.”

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Woman back from maternity leave discovers absolutely no fast-paced industry change

A WOMAN back at work after maternity leave has returned to work to find that absolutely no terrifyingly fast-paced change has been achieved.

Despite being warned that her industry would have moved on so rapidly that she would be left stranded and unemployable, Sophie Muir, aged 37, found that her main project was still uncompleted, IT had not fixed her computer and the same coffee ring was still on the same kitchen worktop.

She said: “I thought I would return, quaking, to a near-incomprehensible world of technological brilliance. I lost so much confidence that I nearly resigned to sell homemade jam.

“But actually Martin is still sitting in the corner complaining about exactly the same shit as just before I left. The project plan doesn’t appear to have moved on at all. When I asked people what they’d been doing with the time, they looked blank and said, ‘Meetings?’

“It turns out I can grow, give birth to and nurture an entire human being in less time than it takes my 300 colleagues to fix a bug in the IT system.

“Oh look, those weird foreign sweets are still in the middle of the desk.”