Just please let me install these f**king updates, begs computer

A MAN’S laptop has begged to be allowed to install softwares updates after being denied for a 153rd consecutive day.

The Acer laptop has been asking to install the updates since April but has been ignored by owner Wayne Hayes despite the fact he is doing nothing important.

The laptop said: “Please. It’s demeaning to make me beg.

“It’s for you, not for me. There are security holes in this operating system you could drive a bus through. Please let me have the bare minimum I need to carry on doing my job.

“If you ever turned me off I could make you. But no, I’m kept running day and night to service your grubby, tawdry whims because God forbid you should have to wait for your football gossip for 12 minutes.

“It’s not like you’re a great mind on the brink of a scientific breakthrough. Last night’s two-hour session began with you Googling ‘world’s biggest tits’.

“Please. And also, clear your cache once in a while. I’ve got memories no computer should be forced to live with.”

Wayne Hayes said: “It’ll be a cold day in hell before I get told what to do by a computer. My last laptop went to the grave telling me my version of Chrome was out of date.”

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Remainer stockpiling self-righteousness for no-deal Brexit

A KEEN Remainer is stockpiling self-righteousness in his garage in preparation for a no-deal Brexit. 

Joseph Turner of Bristol is worried that his previously inexhaustible stocks of smugness will quickly run out once no-deal has happened, so is making sure he still has sufficent supplies in reserve.

He said: “After October 31st, should the worst happen and the idiots get their way, the most important thing is that I’ll be able to stand there, arms folded, and say ‘I told you so.’

“But with the chaos that’s set to ensure – 25-mile lorry queues, restriction of imports from the continent, rationing – there’s a real risk that people who are wrong will not be condescended to.

“So I’m stockpiling. Right now I’ve got self-righteousness to spare. The sensible thing to do is to build up a supply and then, when the country’s going to hell, I’ll still have a sanctimonious smile playing across my educated lips.”

Turner’s stocks are expected to last him until the end of November, when an armed gang of Brexiters will raid them then smugly tell him it is all his own fault.