Woman asked when she's having baby replies 'When the devil impregnates me with his evil seed'

A WOMAN is so sick of being asked when she is starting a family that she has begun to answer ‘when Satan spills his diabolical black spunk in my womb’. 

31-year-old Nikki Hollis, who has been in a relationship for three years, is regularly questioned by family, friends and total strangers about when she plans to get pregnant even though it is none of their business.

She said: “I know society teaches us that if a woman hasn’t forced another human out of her vagina by the time she’s 30 she’s either a pitiable, barren freak or a foul witch, so I plumped for the latter.

“I’ve explained that we have to wait for a super blood wolf moon, for the full coven to assemble and perform the ritual, and for Lucifer himself to rise from his infernal realm to fill me with his malevolent spawn. It keeps me entertained.

“Mostly everyone’s stopped asking questions, though Marie in payroll who loves babies is already saying she can’t wait to see his darling little cloven hooves and stroke the mark of the beast on his head. Takes all sorts.”

Hollis’s mother Dorothy said: “I’m so desperate for grandchildren that I’d welcome the son of Beelzebub at this point. All babies are evil anyway.”

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The twat-spotters' guide to umbrellas

UMBRELLAS are a cumbersome and ineffective way for twats to keep their heads and shoulders dry. Here’s what the different types can tell you about the morons who use them:

Golf umbrella
Golf is a notoriously twattish sport, so it makes sense that it has its very own type of umbrella. Being both ostentatious and boring at the same time, they’re essentially a coded way for people who drive oversized 4x4s and treat club house staff appallingly to find one another.

Transparent umbrella
Used by nerds who attended a Secret Cinema screening of Blade Runner and want to bring that dystopian look into their everyday lives. Often unnecessarily paired with a transparent mac to complete the replicant hunter, borderline gimp appearance. Good for showing off rusty hinges though.

Travel umbrella
The main problem with umbrellas is that they’re unwieldy and easily broken. Travel umbrellas solve none of these issues, and because they’re even smaller they keep less of you dry. You’ll find Apprentice types using them to shelter their coffee as they rush on their way to being fired.

Umbrella hat
Nothing screams quirky sixth former or divorced husband on a camping retreat quite like an umbrella hat. In fact the former often becomes the latter. So if you haven’t thrown yours away yet, make sure you’ve called dibs on it in the prenup.

Any umbrella
There is no such thing as an un-twattish umbrella. People who use them might think they’re cutting a stride like John Steed or Mary Poppins, but actually they project the image of a depressed Victorian banker who’s lost their bowler hat. At least they’re not wearing a North Face cagoule. Those people are worse than Hitler.