It's not sodding aliens: Where those monoliths probably came from

INTRIGUED by the mysterious monoliths that have been springing up around the world? Here are the boring places they probably came from.

Not outer space

Aliens must know humans are thick as shit, so they wouldn’t bother saying ‘hello’ by bamboozling us with metal oblongs. Even if they were trying to establish first contact they’d be more original than copying some old sci-fi film that your dad pretends to understand.

A sheet metal factory

One explanation is that an engineering firm couldn’t move for all the steel boxes they’d got cluttering up their warehouse. Solution? Stick them in the desert. Better still, they were just fly-tipping, and that’s why one disappeared – to avoid a $200 fine from Utah Council.

An edgy artist’s studio

Not Banksy’s though, because otherwise they would be covered with nuanced satirical images of spray-painted monkeys giving you the finger. They’re probably the handiwork of some sculptor you’ve never heard of who couldn’t think of anything original, so who gives a shit?

Some godawful film’s publicity budget

The film will be called Monoliths and it will be about monoliths appearing all over the world for reasons that don’t make sense. Mark Kermode will say it’s a ‘dizzying meta-commentary on genre film’ and everyone else will think it’s crap. Could well be Christopher Nolan’s last film.

Silicon Valley

The monoliths are smooth, sleek, and don’t appear to have a headphone jack, so they’re probably a new generation of iPhone your trendy friends will be lugging around in a few months. You think they look stupid and swear you’ll never get one, but eventually you’ll cave in because you feel silly for not owning an iLith.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Is everything too London-centric or do you just live in Wigan?

SICK of the government and media being so London-centric? You might have a valid point, or it’s possible you simply live in Wigan. Find out: 

What’s your issue with London?

A) The government over-invests in London infrastructure to the detriment of the rest of the country, causing and deepening inequality
B) The government over-invests in London infrastructure to the detriment of Wigan. We haven’t even got a Pizza Express

How do you feel when bands announce European tours?

A) I get annoyed because I know they won’t play anywhere except London, where they’ll do four nights at the O2
B) I get annoyed because I know they won’t play the DW Stadium, home of Wigan Athletic

When you hear the phrase ‘Northern Powerhouse’, what do you think?

A) Empty sloganeering and I’ll believe it when I see it
B) Seems a bit broad to me, we should focus on towns, particularly ones north-west of Manchester that aren’t Bolton or Chorley

Who is the greatest artist the UK has ever produced?

A) Visual artist? Turner. Writer? You can’t look further than Shakespeare. Musicians? It’s a cliche, but The Beatles
B) George Formby

How do you feel about London?

A) I respect that it’s our country’s capital, but I’m sick of hearing about it. Our regions deserve the opportunity to level up
B) Well it’s hardly Wigan, is it? It hasn’t even got a pier.


Mostly As: Alright, you have a point about infrastructure, jobs, culture, all that, but if it really bothers you that much maybe do what the rest of us did and move to London.

Mostly Bs: It’s time to face up to the facts. You live in Wigan.