Tuesday, 11th May 2021

It's not sodding aliens: Where those monoliths probably came from

INTRIGUED by the mysterious monoliths that have been springing up around the world? Here are the boring places they probably came from.

Not outer space

Aliens must know humans are thick as shit, so they wouldn’t bother saying ‘hello’ by bamboozling us with metal oblongs. Even if they were trying to establish first contact they’d be more original than copying some old sci-fi film that your dad pretends to understand.

A sheet metal factory

One explanation is that an engineering firm couldn’t move for all the steel boxes they’d got cluttering up their warehouse. Solution? Stick them in the desert. Better still, they were just fly-tipping, and that’s why one disappeared – to avoid a $200 fine from Utah Council.

An edgy artist’s studio

Not Banksy’s though, because otherwise they would be covered with nuanced satirical images of spray-painted monkeys giving you the finger. They’re probably the handiwork of some sculptor you’ve never heard of who couldn’t think of anything original, so who gives a shit?

Some godawful film’s publicity budget

The film will be called Monoliths and it will be about monoliths appearing all over the world for reasons that don’t make sense. Mark Kermode will say it’s a ‘dizzying meta-commentary on genre film’ and everyone else will think it’s crap. Could well be Christopher Nolan’s last film.

Silicon Valley

The monoliths are smooth, sleek, and don’t appear to have a headphone jack, so they’re probably a new generation of iPhone your trendy friends will be lugging around in a few months. You think they look stupid and swear you’ll never get one, but eventually you’ll cave in because you feel silly for not owning an iLith.