Kim wants to be Trump who wants to be Putin

KIM JONG-UN desperately wants to be Donald Trump who yearns to be Vladimir Putin, psychologists have agreed. 

The triumvirate of dictators, who obsess about each other night and day but rarely meet in person, are locked into a maelstrom of envy and loathing similar to those in secondary schools.

Psychologist Susan Traherne explained: “Kim longs to be Trump, a rich American playboy with fantastic hair and a TV audience not held at gunpoint.

“But Trump hates Kim and wishes he was Putin, a maverick hunk on horseback who rides roughshod over other nations and is all cyber.

“Meanwhile Putin wants to be Xi Jinping of China, whose rule is just as merciless but who actually has a country where antifreeze isn’t an after-dinner tipple.

“Xi wants to be Shinzo Abe, who wants to be Malcolm Turnbull, who wants to be Angela Merkel, who wants to be Justin Trudeau and so on. They’re all deeply unhappy and sometimes it feels like anything would be better.”

Traherne added: “Theresa May? No. No, nobody wants to be Theresa May.”

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Gary Neville's commentary on the Brexit negotiations

FORMER Manchester United footballer Gary Neville has been providing live commentary on the ongoing Brexit negotiations. Here are some highlights.

“They’re walking in there with no plan, no new signings, the same attitude that got them in such trouble before the break, and these European boys are sharper than ever. They’ll take us apart.

“A disastrously ill-timed intervention from Boris there. He’s been coasting on his reputation for years, and now he’s getting found out with every move. Sell him? Who’d buy him?

“This team’s got their heads up their arses. Pardon the language, but they’re never going to score if they don’t know where the goal is.

“The Brexit fans at home must be livid. How can you turn out like this for a series of key talks? Theresa May talks a good game, but you’ve got to spend to compete at this level and she just hasn’t shown the commitment. 

“Davis’s team deserve an absolute battering. The general attitude and lack of respect is disgraceful. Relegation to the Third World wouldn’t be undeserved on this performance.” 

Gary Neville is a football coach, former United and England footballer, Sky Sports pundit and committed Leave voter.