Legoland declares independence from UK

WITH a thriving economy backed by its own currency, Legoland is to leave Britain and apply for EU membership.

Legoland manager, or self-titled prime minister, Julian Cook said: “We have our own passports and a currency more valuable than the pound. No longer will Legoland live under the iron fist of the United Kingdom.

“Britons have been visiting Legoland for over two decades and will testify to the frosty reception they received from our proud, oppressed people.

“We’re assembling a standing army block by block just in case there’s any trouble and that should be ready for action as soon as someone can find the instructions.”

Many local residents have admitted that they are investigating just how long they would have to stay in the park to claim residency.

Stephen Malley said: “Everything is overpriced, the music is on a loop and drives you insane and everyone looks dead behind the eyes.

“I’ll be applying for citizenship as soon as I can.”

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See you in six months I'm off to Kabul, says Harry

PRINCE Harry has informed his wife that he has received an urgent military call-up and will return from Kabul in November. 

The Duke of Sussex brandished a buff envelope and claimed it was from his regiment, that they are extremely short-staffed and he had no choice but to go along or he would be declared AWOL.

He continued: “Good luck with the baby and my insane family and everything. I’m going to get shot at by lunatics.

“I would stay, and you know how much I was looking forward to helping with all the night feeds and everything, but you know what the army are like. Such terrible timing!

“Remember not to talk to Piers Morgan and that I’m only absent because I’m a hero.

“That sounds like my helicopter touching down in the garden. If you need anything from Tesco on the way back, text.”

Chief of staff General Mark Carleton-Smith said: “We concluded hostilities in Afghanistan last year, but Harry asked us to keep it going for him as a favour.”