Lourdes, and other hot new locations for your stag party

PRAGUE and Amsterdam no fun anymore? Looking for new locations to stagger around hammered before pissing against a historical monument? Try these: 


If Dublin’s any guide Catholics love a drink, so Lourdes is bound to be chock full of pubs and bars catering to the pilgrims. Start with a pub crawl – vicars-and-nuns outfits optional – followed by a dip in the healing waters to clear your hangover. Like a spa weekend with more prayer. And the Pope famously smokes dope, so he’ll sort you out.

Disneyland Paris

All stag weekends lead to vomiting. It’s the best part, and downing Jägerbombs as you ride Space Mountain will get you there faster. Mickey and Minnie recoiling in horror as your group staggers into Sleeping Beauty’s castle demanding to know where Walt’s cryogenically frozen head is kept will also be a highlight.

The International Space Station

How f**king epic? A quick spaceflight, which Noisy Baz says he can arrange, and you’re doing shots in zero gravity and taking selfies where you moon whole continents. And half of it’s staffed by Russians and those bastards party hardcore.


Oy oy oy, lads on tour! Not as confusingly androgynous as its southern neighbour, North Korea has long suffered from the perception that its leader is a totalitarian madman with a cowed population living in abject poverty ordered to sing his praises daily on pain of death. Which is kind of like how Martin’s run this stag do so you should get on fine.

Milton Keynes

One of the few UK locations not plagued by stag parties, it’s about time it suffered like everywhere else. There’s no red-light district but there are concrete cows you can ride, urinate against and pretend to f**k. To get to them just go left at the first roundabout, then straight over the next 27 roundabouts, then right at the last roundabout.

Area 51

What happens on a stag do stays on the stag do, and the same goes for this place. Nobody will be telling tales about grey alien strippers, mind-melds with J-Rod or doing lines off the weather control console before sending a tornado into Newcastle-under-Lyme for a laugh, because you’ll be mindwiped on departure. Consequently it will not be legendary.

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We ask you: could you be an unbiased juror in Donald Trump's trial, or do you think he's a knobhead?

DONALD Trump is on trial for financial malfeasance in New York. Could you serve as a juror, or have you unaccountably developed opinions about him? 

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Steve Malley, trawlerman: “Trump? Is he the one who’s like an American Alan Sugar?”