Man never thought he'd live to see war come to the Middle East

A SHOCKED and appalled man did not think he would ever see the grim spectre of war over the Middle East in his lifetime.

Martin Bishop is dumbfounded by the tragic scenes unfolding in Israel, usused as he is to seeing states around the Gulf ravaged by the archaic horror of armed conflict.

He said: “The outbreak of the war in Ukraine made a terrible amount of sense. Europe’s always spoiling for a scrap. But this? Nobody saw it coming, nobody.

“This is the very cradle of civilisation. An area that’s founded three of the world’s major peaceful religions, creators of our numerical system. It’s so alien to see their sunny streets a theatre of violence.

“This has come completely out of the blue. A region with the futuristic metropolis of Dubai, with states that own our football teams and host our World Cups, transformed from a haven of tranquillity into a confusing hellscape.

“Maybe the West should get involved and help the Middle East out for once. Couldn’t possibly hurt.”

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Labour to raise legal age for reading Daily Mail by a year every year

THE age at which people can buy the Daily Mail will rise by a year every year under a Labour government until its readership is phased out entirely. 

Currently there are no age restrictions on the newspaper, even though it has long been evident how damaging it is to society and to young developing minds who only wanted to read about Molly-Mae Hague.

Labour’s plan means that from next year only those 18 or over would be allowed to read the Mail so its poison would never be allowed to spread to another generation.

Shadow home secretary Yvette Cooper said: “We cannot take the Mail away from older readers. They are hopelessly addicted. Removing their fount of vindictive hatred would only hurt them.

“But we can stop our young people suffering the ill heath of high blood pressure, permanently-engorged red faces and heart murmurs whenever they imagine boats full of Albanian gangsters invading our shores.

“By curtailing access to the newspaper in a staged, progressive manner, future generations will end up happier, healthier and with the ability to make reasoned and rational decisions.”

Daily Mail subscriber Norman Steele said: “It’s a triumph of wokery over common bloody sense and I should be against it. But I don’t believe young people should be allowed anything at all, so I’m not.”