Office manager had a bad weekend, you're about to discover

YOU arrive at work on Monday morning with no idea of the storm that is about to engulf you. This is how you find out your boss has a lot of anger to displace: 

New laminated sign, 9.02am

That wasn’t there on Friday. ‘Do not spit in sink’? Who’s spitting in the sink? Who’s been suspected of it? What would drive a person to print, laminate and put up a sign this early?

An email of refusal, 9.35am

You try to book a meeting room. Instead of pointing you to the online booking form, or better yet doing it herself, your manager has replied ‘NOT MY JOB USE THE FORM’. The first rumblings of apprehension begin. What’s happened? Did she have a bad date?

A second email of refusal, 10.02am

You need a sign-off for stationery, which is your manager’s own process instigated when she suspected Ben from sales of stealing the good Post-its the week after her dog needed a £1,200 operation. This isn’t like the other thing, she’s actually meant to do this. But won’t. Speculation grows that she’s had a shit haircut.

An extremely forbiding cc, 10.24am

And now you’re copied into a labyrinthine email thread with no apparent connection to your job, prefixed by ‘can you take this on ongoing’? Your struggle to work out what you could possibly contribute to this bureauratic inferno is outpaced by your very real fear that your manager may have been fined for stopping in a box junction.

Cancellation of your update meeting, 10.52am

Normally you’d be pleased, but this time it gives you heart palpitations. That meeting’s a Monday regular. She can only have cancelled it because she’s planning a full-scale bollocking, and she can only be planning that because the builders have fucked up her kitchen extension.

Reply all, 11.44am

Finally, unsatisfied by taking it out on her immediate team, your manager emails the whole floor reminding them about the room booking policy, drawing their attention to the sign over the sink, and inadvertently revealing it’s all because her son caused £3,000 of damage to her car this weekend. The head of department, who is going through a divorce, curtly tells her to piss off.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Board game reveals side of boyfriend unseen outside of war

AN evening spent playing board games has caused a boyfriend to behave in a way never seen outside armed conflict. 

Mild-manner digital sales manager Tom Logan unexpectedly began acting like an army general leading his troops into battle when playing Trivial Pursuit with his girlfriend Lauren Hewitt against another couple.

Hewitt said: “It started getting weird when Tom said we had to develop a strategy based around capitalising upon ‘the enemy’s weaknesses’, namely Charlotte’s poor knowledge of celebrity trivia and Martin being generally thick.

“Then Tom started talking to Charlotte about Dua Lipa and asking Martin about his GCSE results in what he said was psychological warfare designed to undermine their confidence in victory. I did feel that calling Martin a ‘f**king dipshit’ was a bit unnecessary.

“Finally, Tom went completely off-piste and wasn’t even asking questions from the cards but making them up himself, and I’m pretty sure some of the people he mentioned in those questions weren’t even real.

“When I called him out on it, he mumbled something about El Alamein, Montgomery and having to ignore the rules for the greater good sometimes.

“After they’d left in a huff he started on about Mafia wars and said he hoped Charlotte and Martin ended up sleeping with the fishes. Is that a nice thing?”