May wins over US with ‘pathetic grovelling’ strategy

THERESA May has persuaded US business leaders not to ignore the UK by begging pathetically.

The prime minister had hoped to convince major US companies that Brexit was a good idea, but was forced instead to grovel humiliatingly to make them stay in the country.

May said: “I decided the best chance of keeping them here was straightforward begging, so I kept saying ‘Please don’t take your lovely businesses away!’ in the desperate wailing voice of a supply teacher pleading with kids to stop throwing things.

“They looked embarrassed and the woman from IBM tried to leave, but I managed to stop her by sobbing and offering her 10 Downing Street as an office.

“The Goldman Sachs guys kept talking about relocating but reconsidered after I knelt on the floor with my hands clasped and said, ‘Please! I’m begging you! I’M BEGGING YOU!’

“I’d have preferred a more businesslike meeting but it shows Britain can still attract the world’s top companies, even if it’s out of pity.”

An Amazon spokesman said: “We have no plans to leave the UK but will be taking up Ms May’s offer of turning Buckingham Palace into a DVD warehouse.”

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Knobheads object to bullshit

SOME knobheads have strongly objected to some bullshit, it has emerged.

The bullshit happened yesterday, when someone said something about a thing that may have been deliberate or just misconstrued, but either way is still bullshit.  However knobheads rapidly retaliated, taking to their keyboards to condemn their interpretation of it.

Nikki Hollis tweeted: ““I stand with whoever or whatever I deemed to be oppressed by whatever it is that may or may not have happened. How dare he or she do or say that to him or her?

“Let’s form an angry mob and gather outside some premises that is vaguely connected to all this.”

However others intervened to point out that the bullshit was, in fact, bullshit. Roy Hobbs posted: “Guys wait, maybe this is bullshit. I think we need to chill out and not be knobheads.”

Nikki Hollis replied: “Roy Hobbs, you’re just condoning the bullshit because you agree with it on some deep level that you are not even aware of. How dare you accuse me of being poised at my computer like a coiled spring of petty resentment, just waiting to pass judgement on some trivial nonsense.”

Hobbs posted: “I didn’t say that, you did.”

Hollis replied: “Oh.”