Morgan Freeman to become full-time Nelson Mandela

NELSON Mandela is to resign from being himself to make way for Morgan Freeman.

Sources close to the increasingly frail former South African president say he is no longer able to handle the day-to-day rigours of being him and it was now time to hand over to his constitutional successor.

Freeman has been Deputy Nelson Mandela since 1996 and has filled-in for the legendary ANC leader at Hollywood parties and celebrity golf tournaments.

Julian Cook, professor of comparative Nelson Mandelas at Roehampton University, said: “Nelson Mandela has done the difficult bit of being Nelson Mandela. Prison, defeating apartheid, running South Africa and having to spend all that time with Bono and Geldof.

“The role of future Nelson Mandelas will focus on having their picture taken with some schoolchildren who have made a portrait of them, hugging whoever is currently Annie Lennox and, of course, the twice weekly phone calls from Oprah Winfrey.”

Denzel Washington is likely to become Freeman’s deputy though some pundits insist Samuel L Jackson would make a fantastic next Nelson Mandela but one.

Professor Cook added: “Morgan Freeman is still young enough to do the job for 10, maybe 15 years. That will give Denzel Washington time to get his face all crinkly.

“Don’t get me wrong, a Samuel L Jackson Mandelacy would be exciting, but ultimately I don’t think he’d be able to stop himself from saying ‘motherfucker’ and that’s just not very Mandelential.

“In terms of who’ll be Nelson Mandela after Denzel Washington, there’s Dennis Haysbert, Lenny Henry, Martin Freeman or Forest Whitaker, who of course is seen very much as the Guardian reader’s Nelson Mandela.

“But I suspect Will Smith will eventually want a crack at it after which the Nelson Mandelacy will simply be passed down through his descendants.”

Following retirement the current Nelson Mandela is expected to move into a luxury hotel suite in Johannesburg and change his name to Brian Stephenson.

 

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Genetically-modified mosquitoes released for no reason

SCIENTISTS in Malaysia have unleashed giant, DNA-altered mosquitoes into the environment for the hell of it.

The insects, many of which are larger than adult labradors, kill their prey by pinning it down using razor-tipped forelegs then inserting a foot-long proboscis into an eye socket and sucking out the brain matter.

Geneticist Wayne Hayes, who works at the secretive laboratory near Kualar Lumpar, said: “When you work in science, you’re always under a lot of pressure to be logical and rational and I think we were really feeling that last Tuesday.

“My colleague Stephen and I were laboriously mapping some genomes  – as usual –  when he looked up from his microscope and said, ‘hey, when was the last time you did something just, y’know, to be in the moment?’

“I’m a really hard science worker – most days I’m pulling 14 hour shifts. I get home with barely the energy to stick a lasagne in the microwave and at the weekends I might go to a museum.

“So I replied that I couldn’t honestly remember doing anything like that, except last June when I stayed up until 1.30am on a Tuesday watching Smokey and the Bandit II.

“Stephen gave me this look I’d never seen before and said, ‘shall we release a load of massive fucking insects?’.”

Dr Stephen Malley said: “Like I told Wayne at the time, life is just a series of moments and we’ll always remember the day when we released those giant flying carnivores via the air conditioning chute. It was very similar to something out of Point Break.”

He added: “They’ll probably just  assimilate harmlessly into the ecology.

“Maybe not though.”