Naomi Campbell 'Slaughtered Thousands'

SUPERMODEL Naomi Campbell was at the head of a brutal war machine that slaughtered thousands, it was claimed last night.

In a dramatic day during her trial at the Hague, the former face of Ralph Lauren Polo Sport was accused of genocide by Frank Sinatra’s ex-wife.

Mrs Sinatra told the court: “I personally saw her set fire to 200 villages. Nelson Mandela and I tried to stop her but she hit us with a mobile phone. I was in Rosemary’s Baby. Everyone said I was very good.”

Sinatra and Campbell’s former agent, Carole White, also claimed the supermodel funded her carnage with so-called ‘blood diamonds’ that she would hand out to dimwitted African politicians in the hope of quick, dirty sex.

White said: “So many times she would come in from a day’s slaughtering, wash the blood off her face and demand to be set up with some airhead dictator she met at a charity event.”

Campbell fronted the Ralph Lauren Polo Sport campaign in the late 1990s but soon used it as a launch pad to declare war on neighbouring brands such as Calvin Klein and Tommy Hilfiger.

Prosecutors claim she could be responsible for the deaths of up to 20,000 people from rival magazine spreads.

The trial also heard from Charles Taylor, the Liberian MP and charity activist, who claimed that Campbell tried to bribe him into having sex with her after a fund-raising dinner in South Africa.

Taylor said: “She gave me a bag of little stones and then pointed at her groin and licked her lips.

“I was upset and immediately sent the diamonds to Switzerland for safe keeping along with some unwanted money that I had recently found in the Liberian Treasury.”

He added: “I didn’t want to come here today but the world needs to know that Naomi Campbell is a monster.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

My Big Gap Year: Chelsea's Bristols

Dispatches from Poppy Spalding

Monday: Washington DC

THIS week finds me in the totally lavish set of the West Wing: Washington DC. Coming to such an important world venue has really made me think about the state of political affairs and I must admit I’m now addicted to the fortunes of the republicans and the democrats.

What better place to ponder the future of this great nation than at the actual feet of Abraham Lincoln at the Lincoln Memorial? It’s the mark of the man that he was able to sit for so long to have this sculpture done – it is literally the biggest thing I have ever seen. One time, my mate Shelley did a sculpture of just my head for GCSE Art and it took like two and half hours – fucking excruciating, especially as she wanted me to look classy so I had to smoke John Players for the entire time. I’ll never understand how she got into Art College. In that regard, Lincoln had it easy and should be grateful his sculptor wasn’ some ditsy weirdo with a tattoo of Ricky Tomlinson on her calf.   

If I was Sarah Palin I would be going ballistic about the Clinton wedding bash – especially when compared with the totally embarrassing love-life of Bristol. American politicians love England because of all the help we’ve provided during wars and oil spills so they’re always keen to name their children after random areas of the country. But the Democrats are faring better in this competition because, as far as I know, my great uncle Rod never refers to his carer’s breasts as ‘Chelseas’. The Palin family have really got to be careful or people won’t take them seriously. All it’s going to take is for Sarah to name her next daughter ‘Fanny’ or ‘Clit’ and she’ll be out the race completely.

You see, the Democrats have much better organisational skills than the Republicans. Chelsea Clinton is living the dream: setting an example to all young women by doing all her drug binges and booze fuelled sexual catastrophes well before becoming an adult and settling down with a nice yet not too attractive Jewish banker. Bristol by comparison is totally shambolic and has already skipped to the baby part except it was with some hockey knob from school and they’ve broken up for like the third time in a year because he shagged some other schoolgirls and got them pregnant too. These are poor organisational skills. No one will ever win an election with this strategy. The Palin family’s bedroom is a total state I bet.

Yes, it’s lucky the Democrats are in charge around here. Barack got super angry about the oil spill. The republicans would never have got round to such anger and the whole country would have descended into chaos by now. The effect of this would be simply unfathomable – there certainly wouldn’t have been a third season of True Blood. Thank God and Abraham Lincoln there is. And that’s what Washington DC is the greatest city in the world!