New York smoking ban to halt fall in violent crime

NEW York is bidding to reverse its plummeting violent crime figures by not letting anybody smoke.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg extended the city’s smoking ban to parks insisting outdoor tobacco fumes were preventing people from enjoying the exhaust emissions from more than 300 square miles of gridlocked traffic.

But tourism experts say the move will also resurrect the authentic New York atmosphere portrayed in much loved Hollywood classics such as Mean Streets, Bada Bing and Fuck You.

An entire industry once existed based on t-shirts saying ‘I went to New York and all I got was this lousy bullet in the face’ but in the last 10 years more than 40% of tourists have gone home completely unwounded.

Locals have blamed the bullet-free trend on the pernicious influence of Friends and everyone feeling sorry for them after 9-11.

But many now hope that millions of neurotic, nicotine-deprived lunatics forced to live stacked on top of each other will bring back the fucked-up Taxi Driver levels of social interaction, but without lots of annoying tobacco smoke.

New York cabbie Tom Logan said: “Ordinarily I would recommend the cultural highlights and reasonably-priced restaurants in our fair city but after pulling a 12-hour shift without a smoke I’ll probably just spray the entrance to the Waldorf with machine-gun fire and then drive this motherfucker straight off the Brooklyn Bridge.”

New York’s anti-smoking laws are some of the strictest in America, though there is a loophole in the legislation to allow the public smoking of crack.


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Girlfriends to get half of disgusting heap of shit in middle of floor

WOMEN should be entitled to half of their boyfriend’s disgusting pile of
crap in the event of a split, according to a landmark ruling.

Under existing law, when a girlfriend moves out at the end of a relationship, the man retains full ownership of the mound of unwashed clothes, empty Pot Noodle containers and deeply suspicious paper hankies.

However, judge Denys Finch-Hatton said the male partner should be legally obliged to divide all of his shitty, floor-based assets.

He added: “As it stands, the female takes all of the nice things, like pictures, good quality furniture and art house DVDs, because she obviously bought them.

“The man meanwhile is left with nothing but the detritus of his own wretched life. As well as soiled clothes, this will typically include some other clothes that are clean but smell bad from having been left in the washing machine overnight, a Ned’s Atomic Dustbin picture disc and an air pistol.

“This should be distributed evenly between the two parties, if only out of spite.”

Roy Hobbs, who recently split from his girlfriend, said: “After Susan moved out I’ve mostly been living in the lounge, in a gorilla-style nest made of old towels.

“It’s times like this when you realise that you haven’t really bought anything worthwhile since 1996 and that kitchen-wise all you have is a fork. I sort of hate myself.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to make a bowl of muesli for my dinner.”