Britain now 'angry old widower in smelly house'

BRITAIN is the angry, racist, old widower who lives in that decrepit house at the end of the street, the UN has confirmed.

With most BBC programmes now comfortably xenophobic and a new survey suggesting Britain is the most anti-immigrant country in Europe, international observers have warned their children not to let their ball go into our garden.

A UN spokesman told his nine year-old son: “Britain will keep the ball while it lectures you on how important it used to be and how this street used to be filled with nice ‘clean’ families.

“It will probably look you up and down and ask if you’re ‘one of them fuckin’ Afghans’ before making a pitiful attempt to imitate your accent.”

He added: “You will notice the garden is a disgusting mess – do not touch anything. There will also be an appalling smell coming from the blocked drain that still isn’t fixed.

“Everything inside the house is about 50 years out of date, there will be some old milk bottles filled with urine and the front room will be strewn with cuttings from newspapers that are clearly written by mental patients and children.

“And make sure you don’t stand too close. It stinks of cheap wine and food that’s made from dog excrement wrapped in a cheese and ham pancake.

“On second thoughts I’ll just buy you another ball.”

The UN is now set to pass a resolution calling for Britain to be left alone as it is just a sad, disappointed, lonely old country who was not about to change its ways.

The resolution also stresses that Britain will be dead soon anyway and that someone will no doubt phone the police when the stench becomes unbearable.


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Science is fanny central, claims Brian Cox

TOP scientists are nailing a load of fanny, according to dance-pop physicist Brian Cox.

The TV professor believes there is still a preconception that science experts are unlikely to enjoy large amounts of debauched consequence-free sex with saucy girls from every corner of the globe.

Professor Cox said: “The amount of fanny I’m getting is mental.

“And I say that as someone who’s used to thinking of things on a quantum scale. Seriously, I’m quite at home with the vastness of the universe, time, space etc. but if I start thinking about the sheer volume of hairy pie I’m tucking into, it properly does my head in.

“The truth is, if you can give a clear and succinct explanation of holographic principle or gravity waves or any of that shit while looking a drunk girl right in the eye and occasionally touching her hair, you’re good to go. The punani express has pulled into the station and all you need to do is jump aboard.”

Cox also revealed details of a particularly licentious trip to the Large Hadron Collider with Professor Stephen Hawking.

“There was at least 50 science sluts who just jumped out from behind one of the massive quadrupole magnets that are integral to the particle acceleration process, flashing their tits and wearing ‘Large Hardon InsideHer’ t-shirts, which Stephen in particular thought was very cheeky.

“They were proper filth. Let’s just say, we took them back to the Holiday Inn and filled them full of genetic material.”

He added: “The next afternoon I woke up and the room was trashed, Steve was on the floor naked except for his glasses, covered in sick and with toothpaste in his hair. His chair, which is really expensive, was floating in the swimming pool all smashed up.

“That night I delivered a paper on stochastic growth of quantum fluctuations to the Royal Institution, and I had to have a bucket by the podium because I kept spewing.”