Non-Britons also fleeing Rhodes

A POPULATION known only as ‘non-Britons’ is also fleeing from the fires currently engulfing Rhodes, it has emerged. 

The mysterious demographic, hitherto unknown to the UK media, is as equally susceptible to the raging wildfires currently sweeping across the Greek island as their plucky British counterparts.

International studies expert Dr Julian Cook said: “Little is known about non-Britons. Where do they come from? What language do they speak? Why do they bother, when English is easier?

“But evidence is emerging to suggest they suffer hardships just like the British, and apparently some of them even live in Rhodes despite it being a holiday place.

“In which case what they are going through – a destroyed home, not just an abandoned suitcase – is arguably more severe and newsworthy. But as they’re such mysterious, shadowy figures we focus on the more sympathetic Brits and their tragic ruined fortnights.

“Our news cycle will have moved on in a couple of days, but for them this is a life-changing catastrophe which will take ages to recover from. I imagine they’ll focus on rebuilding our hotels first.”

Sun reader Wayne Hayes said: “God, have you seen this? Gary Lineker’s on holiday with his ex.”

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Cricket confirmed as shittiest sport ever after Ashes won by rain

THE public perception of cricket as a dickhead sport for absolute twats was confirmed after the Ashes series was decided by f**king rain. 

Fans of the sport have once again been humiliated after bad weather decided the outcome of a supposedly major sporting event according to its own moronic rulebook.

Nathan Muir, a fan of several real sports, said: “Rain. I wouldn’t accept an under-11s five-a-side league being decided solely on the basis of rain.

“Imagine it happening with anything else. ‘Argentina win the World Cup because the sun was getting in the players’ eyes.’ ‘Japan take six athletics gold medals because it started snowing a bit.’

“But cricket, which is already bollocks that drags on for f**king days, believes that it’s acceptable for a major international competition to be won on the basis of precipitation.

“And if you’re stupid, red-trousered and permanently pissed enough to think you still qualify as a sport despite that, why would you then stage a crucial match in Manchester? In July? When pissing rain is guaranteed?”

An England cricketer, speaking anonymously, said: “Every single one of us would be a footballer if we were good enough.”