Gammon offended by diversity of cafe's teas

A SUPPORTER of British breakfast tea is appalled at his local cafe’s unapologetically diverse tea selection.  

Bill McKay, who believes British tea is for British people, is aghast that a cafe in Rochdale would openly tout a range of teas made of chrysanthemums or orange blossom.

He said: “They’re doing it just to wind me up. Nobody wants mint tea in a morning.

“I’m not against a range – PG, Tetley, Typhoo, even Yorkshire if we have to get ethnic about it – but to claim normal people in this country are drinking Roobios is nothing but a lie.

“If you’re having something other than a proper cuppa, one to four sugars, dash of milk, then you need to have a word with yourself. Earl Grey’s fine if you’re proper posh. Ginseng? That’s drugs.

“I was right never to trust coffee, because that went up its own arse years ago when they branched out from Mellow Birds, and now the woke have come for our tea. What’s next? Bread? Bacon? HP Sauce?

“My grandfather didn’t die on the beach at Dunkirk for young people to be ordering Oolong now it’s normal. Ban them. It was implicit in the Brexit vote so it’s law.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

'We don't take bookings and you have to share a table': Why are restaurants struggling?

RESTAURANTS are closing down in vast numbers. Is it because people are struggling with the cost of living or because eateries do these f**king annoying things?

Don’t accept bookings

What kind of tragic control freak wants to be certain that when they arrive at a restaurant there will be a table available with the right number of seats? If you genuinely wanted to eat at this expensive, overhyped establishment, you’d be happy to wait in a long, barely-moving queue and would not sack it off for the KFC next door. Call yourself a foodie? Pfft.

Make you share a table

You’ve made it through the door, which is when they spring on you the fact that you’ll be sharing a long, canteen-style table with three other parties. You wanted a pleasant catch-up with your closest friends, but now you’re swapping stories about your latest break-up in front of a family of four and a shitfaced hen party who keep chipping in with advice. Maybe they can manage this sort of thing in Europe, but it doesn’t wash in Basingstoke.

Only serve small plates

A meal out is a treat, so you want a big plate of something delicious all to yourself. However, the waiter says you each need at least four small plates, which cost £9 a pop, and when they arrive there is hardly anything on them, which leaves you feeling both hungry and ripped off. No, you do not want to see the dessert menu. You want to go and get a McFlurry.

Put a time limit on the table

When you sit down you’re told they need the table back in 1.5 hours, which puts an unpleasant time limit on your meal, especially as one of your mates is habitually half an hour late. You’re still finishing your coffee as the next party arrives so you swill it quickly back while a waiter hovers menacingly near you, which gives you heartburn and ensures you leave in a bad temper.

Expect you to pay a service charge and a tip

A lot of restaurants nowadays expect you to pay a service charge and add it to the bill automatically. Okay, you think, that’s fine, we all need to get paid. But then when the waiter presents you with the card machine with the message ‘Would you like to add a tip?’ emblazoned across the screen, you feel a bit antsy. You’d much rather leave a few quid on the table rather than feel railroaded into it, but you also don’t want to look tightfisted. So you tip, but with incredibly bad grace.