Man clearly making up his big shop as he goes

A MAN idly pushing his trolley round Morrisons and chucking in anything that catches his eye is clearly making up his big shop as he goes.

Tom Booker arrived at the supermarket without preparing a list beforehand, and as a result is stocking up on a bizarre assortment of ingredients that do not go together.

Shelf stacker Susan Traherne said: “Look at him. Adding Coco Pops to a haul consisting of jackfruit, lasagna sheets and Scotch eggs without a care in the world. Guy hasn’t got a f**king clue what he’s doing.

“Maybe it’s some kind of weird improv performance. Perhaps he’s waiting for me to shout out ideas he can work with like Chicago Town pizza or Old El Paso fajita kits. It would make more sense than these purchases being deliberate.”

Checkout worker Eleanor Shaw said: “It’s impossible to predict what he’ll pick up next. The deli staff reckon he’ll go for an apple pie, but my money’s on some mackerel fillets from the fish counter. They’re more of a curve ball choice and this bloke’s clearly a maverick.

“In a way there’s something strangely beautiful about his inconsistency. Kind of like listening to a free jazz player defy musical conventions. It’s not so much the items he does pick up, it’s the ones he doesn’t that intrigue me.”

Booker said: “Do I have an ironing board at home already? Better grab a couple just in case.”

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'I am listening,' woman who zoned out 45 minutes ago tells boyfriend

A WOMAN who fully checked out of a conversation with her boyfriend has assured him she was in fact listening the whole time.

Eleanor Shaw, 32, was conscious of what Joe Turner was saying for a full 14 seconds before her brain decided to ignore his ramblings and think about other things.

Turner said: “I wanted to get this incredibly petty work thing off my chest but, as I blathered relentlessly on, her eyes glazed over and I started to wonder if she was paying attention, so I asked.

“Not only did she insist she’d heard every word, but she called me a ‘hurtful bastard’ for daring to suggest otherwise. What an idiot I am for thinking the love of my life would ever ignore me.”

Shaw said: “Of course I wasn’t f**king listening. There are only so many hours in the day and I can’t spend all of them listening to that boring twat.

“I achieved a lot during those 45 minutes. I made a shopping list, decided on some plans for the weekend, and even had time to spare for a bit of a daydream.

“Then he had the audacity to accuse me of ignoring him. Yes, he was right, but he still shouldn’t have said it. Fortunately I managed to turn the whole thing round on him, leaving him wracked with guilt. Result.”